Imagine a single, tragic tear rolling slowly down Cultist's face. We had our snark engines all revved up, just waiting to pounce on the big hair, the flashy gowns, the crazy eyes and fake-happy smiles. Why, Miami Beach? Why couldn't you get it together?
The official answer, of course, is a lack of money. But fiscal responsibility in Miami just doesn't ring true, especially when there are boobs involved. There must be some other reason. And between bouts of sobbing into our pints of Ben & Jerry's, we might have figured out what that is.
Look, when we moved to Miami Beach, we were pretty intimidated by the women there, too. They were all decked out in their hoop earrings and midriff-baring shirts and platform heels -- and that was just to go to Publix. Ladies here wear pageant-appropriate makeup every time they leave the house. So by comparison, perhaps the ladies of Miss USA just wouldn't measure up.
"Oh my gaaawd! My hair!" Yeah, nobody wants to listen to that. We're sure the Las Vegas climate presents its own styling challenges, but Miami's humidity is second-to-none -- especially in the summer, which is when the Miss USA pageant takes place. Though it's fun to imagine 51 contestants nervously tugging at their 'fros on stage, that's probably not the image Miss USA is going for.
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Our tasty Latin cuisine presents two problems. First, it's not exactly health food -- think of all the delicious fried meats and doughs. Second, it's damned addictive. Not even beauty queens are going to be able to resist. Add it up, and you've got a little more jiggle than you bargained for during the swimsuit competition.
The dangerous tropical sun
No, we don't mean it's dangerous for the beauty queens. Those women spend a quarter of their lives in tanning beds. We mean that the combination of beauty queens and our intense sunlight could be dangerous for all of Miami. Have you ever fried an ant with a magnifying glass? It's like that, except instead of a magnifying glass, the sun's rays would be bouncing off the girls' bedazzled gowns and artificially white smiles. And we're the ants.
Four words: Coked Up Beauty Queens. It's a fantastic premise for a reality TV show, but not so much for a pageant.