What's Michelle Obama Really Doing in South Florida?

Maybe it's that whole exiled-from-the-Motherland, terrorized-by-a-ruthless-dictator thing, but Cubans tend to be a little paranoid.

Of course, just

because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not watching you.

And the

fact that Michelle Obama, First Lady, Democrat, former WNBA power forward,

closet lesbian, and professional beard, will be visiting South Florida and partnering

with Goya Foods, begs the question: What

is she really doing here?


found it highly suspicious that Michelle's trekking all the way down to Tampa just to join Bob Unanue, president

of Goya Foods, in promoting a healthy food initiative called My Plate, or Mi Plato. So

suspicious, in fact, that as soon as we heard, conspiracy theories flew around our heads

faster than wisps of The Donald's hair in a windstorm.


the dust cleared (and by dust, we mean Cuban bread crumbs), we settled on the

five most likely reasons that the First Dude Looks Like a Lady is really

visiting South Florida. Feel free to share your own in the comments.

5. Breed with Marco Rubio
We're not sure exactly how Michelle plans to accomplish this, since it is likely she does not have any working lady parts, but we have to hand it her that this would be a huge stride towards bipartisanship. It is also quite possible that she plans to inseminate the junior senator with her demon seed and make him carry the Antichrist to full term. Either way, we offer our condolences to Senator Rubio. Go with God, amigo.

4. Instigate a Race War
Much like Charles Manson, Michelle Obama may have decided that the best way to ensure ultimate power is to eliminate any potentially threatening races or ethnicities. Because her "husband" has the devil's silver tongue, they no longer have to worry about Whitey. But Hispanics are much more cynical than the White Man; plus, we don't have all that liberal guilt caused by previous slave ownership. In other words, most of us see right through Mr. and Mrs. Lucifer's human forms. M.O. plans to incite both the white and black Florida populace to rise up violently against the majority and/or destroy every Cuban bakery. Either way, we're doomed. Forget Twinkies -- start stockpiling pastelitos now!

3. Restore the Miami Sol
M.O. really misses her glory days in the WNBA. What's not to love? She was exempt from having to play dress up, encouraged to gallop about in huge shorts and a tank top, and free to lope across the court like a shaven sasquatch, muscles a-ripplin'. Plus, there were all those cute lesbians to make time with. It was like having a built-in meat market. We can just hear Michelle's deep voice now: "Yum."

2. Reveal Her True Self
There is no place better than South Florida to come out of the closet. Of course, we've all known that M.O. has coveted women for decades. But what don't we know? She might just surprise us all and finally reveal her true form. (Of course, she would have to shed her husk, and that may be painful to watch.) Or she could reveal that she isn't a lesbian at all -- just a lady man who loves ladies. There are also her ties to Beelzebub, her human trafficking franchise, and her role in the natural disasters that fucked up Japan last year. Whatever truth she chooses to share, inquiring minds want to know -- from a safe distance, preferably out of range from her raging fire breath.

1. Sabotage the Republican Candidates
The most likely reason Michelle is coming to South Florida is to make sure that Gingrich and Romney are unable to go on with their campaigns. The question is, how? It's pretty obvious if you think about it: her food obsession, the Goya connection. Obviously, she plans to taint the food at the one place where every single candidate makes a stop -- Versailles. Throw a little arsenic into the croqueta batter or a few drops of Visine in the café con leche, and Romney and Gingrich will go down like a sack of white, over-privileged potatoes. And viola! The Beast(s) will be upon us -- at least for another four years.

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Ily Goyanes
Contact: Ily Goyanes