What to Do When It's Freaking Cold Outside

Miami in the 30s?? Huh? Maybe at the Historical Museum on Flagler, but please not in our mercury sticks. Here's a few suggestions on how to handle the elements.

1. Cuddle. Do you really have to go outside? Cuddle with a friend, a loved one, or a pet. Just one thing: Make sure whoever you cuddle with is Okay with it. You don't want to just grab someone. That's actually against the rules, and it's not really worth complicating your life. If you can't find a partner, keep it simple and cuddle with yourself. Watch a movie (but not The Ice Storm). Catch up on a season of something (stay away from Northern Exposure). Don't watch a lot of television? Good for you. Read a book. Crank up your Kindle and feed your mind. Just think warm thoughts.

2. Dress Properly. This might seem like a no-brainer, but sometimes

Miamians don't have any brains. We're sort of sun-drenched. Dressing

properly might mean denim on denim for some; but that's not really

proper, even if you live in Hialeah. How about a winter coat or blazer?

And don't forget accessories, like a scarf. Maybe an ascot if you're a

student at the U. And how about some gloves or a scully? Now's the time

to rock 'em if you got 'em. Also, be a good friend and text that boy or girl who's a

little clueless and remind them to do the same.

3. Turn on the Heater. The heater is easy to activate. It is attached to

the air conditioner unit. Some of you may just have to turn a knob on a

wall unit to the section that says heat; it's even colored in red. A

nice 79 degrees sounds kosher. If you don't have a central heat unit, that's a

shame. Maybe you have a cool fireplace?? Just make sure the chute is

clean, and try not to burn down your apartment or house. If you don't

have a fireplace, you can also use a hot plate, but, just so you know,

that's some ghetto ass shit.

4. Bring the Plants inside. This is the easiest thing to forget. Turns

out plants, like humans, don't like it when it gets very cold. So, if

you have a favorite plant, a Gazania, or a Periwinkle, do yourself a

favor and bring it inside. This same strategy should also apply to pets

and grandparents. Don't leave them outside, either. You're so good. Way

to go!!

5. Give Thanks You're Not a Bird. Those poor birds. You ever see them

struggling their little bird asses off in the winds? They don't know

which way to go. The harsh winds pushing them to and fro. It's just not

their day. This weather is for penguins, not pelicans.

6. Fill The Flask. If you must venture out, a little nip can keep you warm.

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J.J. Colagrande
Contact: J.J. Colagrande