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What Not to Wear to the Florida Renaissance Festival

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Hear ye, hear ye: The Florida Renaissance Festival returns to South Florida this month, giving all you knaves and wenches the opportunity to get dolled up in corsets and chain mail and participate in bawdy songs, dances, and other faux-historic revelry. If you're the kind of person who spends your days sending drafts of Game of Thrones fan fiction to George R. R. Martin for critique, this is your time to shine.

But if this is your first "Ren fest" in South Florida, be warned. Dressing like a Renaissance man or maiden is relatively easy elsewhere in the country, but the dangers in Miami are many. You'll want to be sure your corset is not too tight, nor your chain mail too heavy, lest you faint in the heat. Ease of movement is a must, in the event you are forced to flee an alligator or python. And whatever you do, take pains to hide your costume until you arrive at the festival. The mockery of sexy South Beach wenches is a wretched thing indeed.

If you plan to wear any of the following outfits to Cauley Square, take heed: You shall not pass. (Not without scrutiny, anyway.)

This guy, on the other hand, has proper ventilation in mind. But we're still confused. Is he a royal weightlifter? A medieval cricket player? A knight from the elbows down? You've gotta have a theme, man.

On the upside, this woman certainly has a theme. On the downside, that theme is Terrifying Medieval Cat Lady.

What, no one was willing to model this corset in which many pointy, blade-like metal objects surround your nipples? Shocking.

On first inspection, this getup seems to have it all: a short skirt, vented sleeves, plenty of moveability. Unfortunately, it also has hot pink everywhere. The '80s called, and they wanted you to know that: a) "The ____ called, and it wants its ____ back" jokes are lame, and b) neon colors did not exist in the time of the Renaissance.

If you are Adam Duritz, feel free to wear this to the Florida Renaissance Festival. If not, move on.

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