| Culture |

What Lies Ahead in 2008 ... Dan Marino, Land Grabs, Biscuits and More

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

For the last couple weeks the New Times has inundated you with year-end lists and wrap-ups. Yet, it's always more fun to look ahead than back. So, on that note, here are some predictions for the wild year to come, from presidential outcomes to the fate of the Dolphins.

1. A Clinton/Obama ticket narrowly claims victory over the God on Our Side platform of the Huckabee/Romney ticket. The country then breaks into Civil War immediately. Hillary forms a coalition of Western female leaders with Bachelet and Kirschner of Chile and Argentina respectively. The quality of wine and steak in the U.S. experiences a dramatic rise.

Marino back in 2008? It could happen.

2. With the number one over all pick Bill Parcells and the Dolphins draft ... Dan Marino!!! Ole number 13 leads the Dolphins to two victories before his arm falls off in the middle of a game. The Big Tuna regrets getting caught in the Dolphins' net and runs back to ESPN before November.

3. After careful consideration and a look at the New Times story on Florida marijuana grow houses the Sunshine State follows in the footsteps of California and decriminalizes pot for medicinal purposes. SoBe hosts the next Cannabis Cup, fashionistas give way to hemp-loving, palm tree-hugging neo-hippies.

Florida will take a lesson from California in 2008.

4. President Bush, fearing a Democratic presidential victory, decided he needs a few more years to finish executing his “plan” and, in a Chavezesque move, proposes to amend the constitution to allow for unlimited reelection of the president.

5. After word spreads that manatees are making a healthy come back after facing extinction, a black market for Manatee steaks develops. Recipes for cow of the sea spread like wild fire.

2008 will be the year of the biscuit.

6. After a year where the cupcake saw a meteoric rise back to prominence in the American pastry lexicon, it's the biscuit's turn in 2008. The delightful breakfast bread product surges with all new varieties, and appears on the plates of top restaurants everywhere. A chain, Just Grab 'em in the Biscuit, opens and spreads nationwide.

7. As media becomes ever more consolidated and newspapers continue to cut corners and staff, selling the consumer and journalistic ethics short along the way, a community backlash erupts. A series of unionized, well-staffed news Web sites spring-up and become wildly successful. Publishers and media moguls everywhere scramble to replace what's left of their staffs with computer programs that randomly put words like Britney, Sex, Pregnancy, Boobs, Drugs, J. Lo, Scandal and Rehab together in headlines.

8. With prices for corn on the rise due to demand for ethanol, the economy continuing to slump, and gas prices at all time highs, a new land rush begins. Migrants from big eastern cities pack their Land Cruisers and Escalades and stake claim to territory in the “unexplored” Mountain West region. People in Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Kansas and other states build fences to keep out the eastern immigrants.

9. A Miami driver will use a turn single for a brief moment, realize the mistake and then quickly turn it off before making a hasty left turn in the face of oncoming traffic.

The accordion ... watch for it in the new year.

10. In the music world, more and more musicians realize the power of the accordion. Following in the footsteps of Julieta Venegas and Weird Al Yankovic a wide range of artists from Damien Marley to Pit Bull and Radiohead incorporate accordion into their music. Just trust me on this one. -- Tovin Lapan

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.