Wet Dreams Come True

Only one in every million boys is blessed with a 9.75-inch penis like gnomish über-mensch Ron Jeremy. For the rest of us short, fat, greasy-haired hedgehogs, the closest we’ll ever get to starring in a sex flick is this weekend’s Exxxotica Expo at the Miami Beach Convention Center. If you’re at least 18 years old and eager, get your $35 one-day ticket (or splurge for an $85 weekend pass); then go rub shoulders and private parts with 100-plus pros, including Mr. Jeremy, emo porn queen Joanna Angel, and South Florida PVC pinup Rubberdoll. Also on the menu: a game show called Vivid Family Feud, the Ms. Exxxotica beauty pageant, and a live rendition of “I Wanna Be a Pornstar” by local party rapper Yanqui Blaq. If, however, you’re 21-plus and extra-experienced, join the VIPs for unlimited liquor and semipublic sex. The upgrade will cost you $65 for a one-day ticket or $150 for a weekend pass. But you’ll be wandering drunk among random celebs and partying porn stars in the Miami Velvet Bedroom. So, even if you don’t have a 9.75-incher, it’ll feel like you do
Fri., May 14, 4 p.m.; Sat., May 15, 1 p.m.; Sun., May 16, noon, 2010
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S. Pajot