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Valentine's Day in Miami: Five Lavish Gifts You Can't Afford

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Whoever said money can't buy love was totes in denial (sorry, Sir Paul). How else do you explain the likes of J. Howard Marshall, Doug Hutchison, or Larry King? It wasn't good looks that catapulted those creepy old men into the panties of women who could be their granddaughters. Besides, love's been bought and sold on Craigslist for years.

So if you're looking to score yourself a little lovin' on Valentine's Day and you've got the cash, here are some of the most absurdly expensive demonstrations of affection found in our fair city. No need to be subtle. Women like big, fat, bulging wallets, after all.

See also:

- NoTimeForLove.com: Website Logs Your Relationship Regrets, Just In Time For Valentine's Day

- Five Pretty-in-Pink Spirits for Valentine's Day

Private Island Getaway by the Millionaire's Concierge Club

Generally, private islands are reserved for the likes of Bill Gates, Richard Branson and whatever barely-legal beauties they choose to cart along. But if you've got the bucks, you can weasel your way onto one -- for an evening at least. A private jet, a sunset dinner, a fire pit, and maybe a celebrity or two. Of course, if you were a real man, you could provide this kind of excursion on the regular, but maybe she'll appreciate the $7,000 effort nonetheless.

I Love You Grand Couture Card from Gilded Age Greetings

If you thought Hallmark cards were an appropriate way to show your sentiment, you were so wrong. Why cheapskate out on a $3.95 piece of paper when you could show your love with a hand gilded, 23k gold card complete with precious stones? Parkland-based Gilded Age Greetings delivers your personal message of affection complete with complimentary white gloves for "proper handling," laid in a silk presentation box. The price tag? Just $3,250. NBD.

Meet & Greet with Kim Kardashian

This is Miami, where celebrities reign supreme. And some would argue the queen of all things infamous is Kanye's soon-to-be baby momma, Kim Kardashian. We see no end to the public's we-bitch-about-being-sick-of-the-Kardashians-but-are-still-completely-obsessed-with-them psychological issue. So if your S.O. is as fixated on Kim K. as the rest of the world, you can get Kim K to booty pop your party. There are other celebs available, too, but why look any further than the tabloids' finest? Booking her will run right around $125,000.

Versace Mansion

Sure, it was the site of Gianni Versace's bloody death, it's smack dab in the middle of the touristy hellhole we call Ocean Drive, and it's just a tad tackier than a Liberace stage show. But the hundred million dollar price tag would mean epic bragging rights -- and what's worth more than that? You and your loved one can shack up in Miami's most expensive mansion come V-Day. Enjoy the gold-plated toilet handle.

McLaren MP4-12C

Porsches are for paupers. If you're anybody in Miami, you better be driving D-Wade style, which means McLaren. The 2013 MP4-12C is priced at around $239,400. Chump change. Coral Gables' The Collection stocks the brand, so cruise on over with a bag full of cash like Scrooge McDuck and scoop one up for that special someone. Even your Ferrari-driving neighborhood drug dealer will be totally jealous.

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