We didn't want to say anything, (but pssst, your scalp is showing). Luckily, the hipster Walmart has the solution. For a mere $30, Urban Outfitters is selling 8-inch pieces of hair, which you are supposed to stick on your forehead. They're clip-on bangs. And they're made of actual human hair. And since they were once part of another human being's follicle system, you must keep them clean so they don't, well, start stinking. If you're donning the bangs everyday, UO advises to wash them after three wearings to avoid odors. But we say, if you're going to wear this thing every single day, grow your own damn bangs. Here are three other uses for this clump of hair.
Hairy Codpiece: We're about to get Medieval on your hiney. Codpieces were flaps or pouches that men in tights used to both cover and accentuate their genital area. Think it's just a coincidence that the clip-on bangs are exactly 8-inches long?
Furry Air Quotes: Instead of crunching up your fingers to signify quotation marks for "so-called," just throw up two of these like they're gang signs. Of course, that means you'll have to carry two of these around with you all the time. "What's that smell?" "Oh that? That's the wads of human hair I keep in my back pocket. You know, in case I need punctuation."
Extra Body Hair for American Apparel Models: Let's say you went through an uber-hygienic phase in high school and had all your body hair taken off with electrolysis. But now you're a hot, lanky thing who wants to pose in American Apparel ads or at least work in their stores. Just partially tuck one of UO's clip-on bangs into your unisex, gold lamé leotard and you're good to go.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.