Uncle Sam Makes It Rain: How to Spend Your Tax Refund at Warp Speed

We have no idea how a tax refund works. All we know is Uncle Sam is a greedy bastard all but one day of the year, when he sends us a fat check with no strings attached. What a nasty little sycophant.

That government check just scorches our wallet if we leave it in their too long, and savings accounts are for wimps. So right when we get our refund, we join the throngs that circle the blocks outside of check-cashing spots after April 15. Then we try to spend it faster than Scott Rothstein on crystal meth.

A few of our favorite ways to dispose of that refund cash as soon as humanly possible:

Make it Rain
For those readers who are not members of an NFL player's entourage, a primer: "Making it rain" implies tossing a flurry of dollars bills on to the gyrating talent at a strip club. Local mega-clubs like Tootsie's and King of Diamonds are happy to give you hundreds or thousands of singles for a swipe of plastic, so you can roll in with one of those grey debit cards the IRS is issuing these days. Support working moms!

Help Buy a Local Chef Another Maserati
Miami is fast becoming a world class culinary destination. At least, that's what our food critic says. Every time we check out the menus in the Design District, we wonder why a poached quail egg costs $25: Is it really that much tastier that of a good old fashioned domesticated hen? Then we end up eating at a Kendall Denny's. But when a fancy dinner bill represents not two days of wages but a portion of a check America sent us, well, hell, pass the apricot-and-hickory smoked wild boar, Garçon!

Donate to Charity
Our great-aunt made us include this.

Play Blackjack
Considering that the easiest seats to snag at the Hard Rock Seminole Hotel & Casino blackjack tables are for $25 a hand, this more-evil-than-H.-Wayne-Huizenga game has you betting just under $100 a minute. Which means you can multiply your tax refund quick this way--or you can become the middleman in the payment of reparations from the U.S. government to the Seminole Indian tribe. It's a win-win!

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gus Garcia-Roberts