Tomorrow Is Festivus: Time to Air Some Grievances!

The more the commercial industrial complex tries to sell the merits of the holidays as a time of capitalist bliss, the more you want to paddle your way to communist Cuba. After all, are lines for bread any worse than lines at Wal-Mart? But the one thing that unites us more than religion, spirituality, and especially seasonal cheer during the holidays is how much we like to complain about them.  And that brings us to George Costanza.

On Seinfeld, it was Costanza's father who created an alternative holiday in order to tap into our whiny, human nature. And before any feats of strength are performed, Festivus begins with the "Airing of Grievances." Basically, you have carte blanche to lash out at others about all the ways they have disappointed you in the past year.

Tomorrow is Festivus so we thought we'd get a head start. And we have grievances on just about anything -- including you the reader, Miami in general, and, of course, this effing blog. We'll try to keep it to culture related items, but we make no promises.

5. Reality TV

This is supposed to be a culture blog people. We talk about film,

theater, art, fashion, in equal parts and we're glad to do it. But

lately, we've been a little heavy on one particular subject that, while

very much a part of our culture, can scarcely be considered Culture.

That's right, reality TV. We're not sure who's more to blame: us, for

feeding you a consistent diet of play-by-play blogs on some of the,

let's just call them lower brow reality shows out there (and you know

who you are), or the reader for gobbling up those posts and making them a

staple of what we do. And don't you hate those hypocritical posts that

criticize things and promote them at the same time. By the way, have you

checked out our last Basketball Wives post ?

Which brings us to our next grievance...

4. Art Basel

Listen, don't get us wrong, this event has put Miami on the art world

map, given the city a considerable amount of leverage in the "Miami is

super superficial" debate, and given us something to write about for months at a

time. But it's also instilled in us a false sense of culture. Attending

one art event per year doesn't make you cultured the same way going to

church, temple, or an mosque only for the holidays doesn't make you a

good Christian, Jew, or Muslim. So, please keep reading our Basel posts

as long as we keep putting them out. But don't fool yourself, it doesn't

make you cultured, you mook.

3. Miami Sports

It's close to half a decade since this town has even sniffed a

championship in any of its sports, but that's Okay, some places like

Cleveland haven't tasted ultimate victory in what seems like decades

(and then we go and steal their homegrown savior!). Our gripe with our

sports teams is that we're just so fucking bad in everything. The

Dolphins continue to take coaching legends, including Don Shula, Jimmy

Johnson, and most recently Bill Parcels, and make them look like morons

overdue for retirement. And if we have to hear the word swagger one more

time in relationship to the Canes we might puke orange and green. You

know it's bad when the highlight of the football year is the release of

the "U" documentary. We won't even get into the Panthers, which are our

hockey team in case you forgot. And yes, of course, we have the Heat and

its Three Kings. But what does it say about us or them that this is the

most disappointing 21-9 start to a basketball season in history?

2. Broward County

Sure, it's a little random of a selection and we have a sister paper up there, and yeah, many of us work there,

live there, visit there frequently but let's be honest, we really kind of

hate you Broward. It doesn't help that people are more polite,

generally more educated, and usually legal citizens of this country up

there. In other words, Broward is the Canada of South Florida. And you

all know how we feel about Canada.

1. Social Media

Is it just us, or have you also had your fill of Facebook, Twitter, and Mark

Zuckerberg? What's that? Blogs are part of social media, and

Cultist also has Facebook and Twitter accounts? So what? Just cause we

do something to try and fit in doesn't make it right. Facebook has

supplanted actual human communication and no we are not interested in being

friends (Okay, that's a lie, sign up to be friends with Cultist here). As

for Twitter, please stop telling us what your poo looks like and other personal diary entries (again, we kid, follow us on Twitter here).  And if we publish another

lists, please feel free to comment on it calling us blog dirt bags

(actually, please please comment--the overlords are watching us).

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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Sebastian del Mármol