The more the commercial industrial complex tries to sell the merits of the holidays as a time of capitalist bliss, the more you want to paddle your way to communist Cuba. After all, are lines for bread any worse than lines at Wal-Mart? But the one thing that unites us more than religion, spirituality, and especially seasonal cheer during the holidays is how much we like to complain about them. And that brings us to George Costanza.
On Seinfeld, it was Costanza's father who created an alternative holiday in order to tap into our whiny, human nature. And before any feats of strength are performed, Festivus begins with the "Airing of Grievances." Basically, you have carte blanche to lash out at others about all the ways they have disappointed you in the past year.
Tomorrow is Festivus so we thought we'd get a head start. And we have grievances on just about anything -- including you the reader, Miami in general, and, of course, this effing blog. We'll try to keep it to culture related items, but we make no promises.
5. Reality TV
This is supposed to be a culture blog people. We talk about film,
theater, art, fashion, in equal parts and we're glad to do it. But
lately, we've been a little heavy on one particular subject that, while
very much a part of our culture, can scarcely be considered Culture.
That's right, reality TV. We're not sure who's more to blame: us, for
feeding you a consistent diet of play-by-play blogs on some of the,
let's just call them lower brow reality shows out there (and you know
who you are), or the reader for gobbling up those posts and making them a
staple of what we do. And don't you hate those hypocritical posts that
criticize things and promote them at the same time. By the way, have you
checked out our last Basketball Wives post ?
Which brings us to our next grievance...
4. Art Basel
Listen, don't get us wrong, this event has put Miami on the art world
map, given the city a considerable amount of leverage in the "Miami is
super superficial" debate, and given us something to write about for months at a
time. But it's also instilled in us a false sense of culture. Attending
one art event per year doesn't make you cultured the same way going to
church, temple, or an mosque only for the holidays doesn't make you a
good Christian, Jew, or Muslim. So, please keep reading our Basel posts
as long as we keep putting them out. But don't fool yourself, it doesn't
make you cultured, you mook.
3. Miami Sports
It's close to half a decade since this town has even sniffed a
championship in any of its sports, but that's Okay, some places like
Cleveland haven't tasted ultimate victory in what seems like decades
(and then we go and steal their homegrown savior!). Our gripe with our
sports teams is that we're just so fucking bad in everything. The
Dolphins continue to take coaching legends, including Don Shula, Jimmy
Johnson, and most recently Bill Parcels, and make them look like morons
overdue for retirement. And if we have to hear the word swagger one more
time in relationship to the Canes we might puke orange and green. You
know it's bad when the highlight of the football year is the release of
the "U" documentary. We won't even get into the Panthers, which are our
hockey team in case you forgot. And yes, of course, we have the Heat and
its Three Kings. But what does it say about us or them that this is the
most disappointing 21-9 start to a basketball season in history?
2. Broward County
Sure, it's a little random of a selection and we have a sister paper up there, and yeah, many of us work there,
live there, visit there frequently but let's be honest, we really kind of
hate you Broward. It doesn't help that people are more polite,
generally more educated, and usually legal citizens of this country up
there. In other words, Broward is the Canada of South Florida. And you
all know how we feel about Canada.
1. Social Media
Is it just us, or have you also had your fill of Facebook, Twitter, and Mark
Zuckerberg? What's that? Blogs are part of social media, and
Cultist also has Facebook and Twitter accounts? So what? Just cause we
do something to try and fit in doesn't make it right. Facebook has
supplanted actual human communication and no we are not interested in being
friends (Okay, that's a lie, sign up to be friends with Cultist here). As
for Twitter, please stop telling us what your poo looks like and other personal diary entries (again, we kid, follow us on Twitter here). And if we publish another
lists, please feel free to comment on it calling us blog dirt bags