Years from now, your great-grandchildren will look up at you from their mini-hoverpods and ask, "Who was Michael Bay, you crazy old crone?" And you will be able to tell them that not only was he a successful movie director with about a bajillion dollars (which will not sound very impressive to your great-grandchildren, due to inflation), but that you were present in Miami for thefirst Michael Bay Day
That most auspicious and, well, kinda random day is today. Commissioner Sally Heyman will present the proclamation during a city commission meeting this morning.
A day like this deserves more than mere reverent observance. After all, Bay-directed films like Bad Boys and Pain and Gain have brought jobs and revenue to Miami. And it's also a great excuse to have fun with Bay's schlocky, explodey aesthetic. So here's how we propose celebrating Michael Bay Day.
Stalk The Rock
Bay's in town filming Pain and Gain. And while we haven't heard any stories of the director himself making nice with his fans, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson certainly makes time for photo ops. You, too, can be one degree from Michael Bay.
Be a Bad Boy
You don't have to love the Bad Boys movies, but you do have to admit that there are some damn funny lines in those films. The best way to reminisce about them, of course, is to yell them at the top of your lungs while driving across the MacArthur Causeway, a film site for Bad Boys 2, naturally -- preferably in a car with no cup holders.
Prepare for the Apocalypse
You might as well be doing it anyway. That Mayan prophecy is just a few short months away from coming true. So act like a giant meteor is headed for Earth and weep like Liv Tyler while listening to Aerosmith.
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Blow Stuff Up
Legally, of course. Got any baking soda and vinegar? How about some Diet Coke and Mentos? And it's not too late to urge the City of Miami to throw together a commemorative light show. Bay's movies are known for taking audiences to the "fireworks factory." The least we can do on Michael Bay Day is set off some actual fireworks.
Roll Around in a Giant Pile of $100 bills
Seriously, Michael Bay Day is the perfect occasion to Scrooge McDuck that shit. (Those who are not Michael Bay need not apply.)