It's been a week since Charlie Sheen gave his infamous interview on ABC. That's about enough time for crafters to whip up a few Adonis DNA beer cozies, right? Sure is - there are exactly four pages of Sheen-themed wares on Etsy. Surprisingly, no one picked up on our favorite Sheenism, which is that he parties so hard he makes Frank Sinatra look like a droopy-eyed armless child. If someone embroiders that on a throw pillow, we will buy it.
Before we continue, and we know you cannot stop eying the Charlie tighty-whiteys above, give a second to whether you really want this man's mug next to your testicles. Sure, he's uttered awesome things about trolls and warlocks, but in the end, he's an overpaid wife-beater. Check out his rap sheet of violence against women, and then decide if you want to drape your flaccid, portly body with his face and words. If you still do, here are ten sleazy Sheen items to wear or to drink out of.
1. This gets our top pick because of the '60s gore flick aesthetic and because it makes use of our second favorite Sheenism, "your face will melt off." Doesn't this sound bite seem like it should come out of Dean Moriarty in On the Road? [$19.99 at ineedanewshirt]
4. Undies + Charlie + "winning"=either the worst thing or the best thing you'll ever do for your sex life. (Here's a hint: If you want to bed some gal with any respect, this is definitely a no. Unless it's an ironic hipster statement about appropriating figures of domestic violence.) [$15 on BustedCharlie]
5. How is it that Sheen speaks in rap lyrics? He just came up with this one on the spot and it's better than anything coming of Rick Ross's mouth. Who else wants to see Charlie Sheen in a vehicle like 8 Mile? [$19.99 at TShirtPress]
6. Charlie Sheen speaks in Chuck Norris superlatives without even realizing it. [$15 atDabbleDown
7. Wear your love for the Sheen on your car's ass. [$7 at TheLittlePiper]
8. Besides actual becoming a D-list porn star, this is another way to actually advertise that you don't mind being mistreated by violent men. [$21.99 at TShirtPress]
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9. A soon-to-be classic. Expect to see this under the blazer of some douchebag at Art Basel next year. By that time, we will all have forgotten this meme and we will snicker at the throwback. Or at least that's the douchebag's hope. [$19.95 at CustomKingdom]
10. Not since Stuart Smalley has someone given us so many affirmations. It's quotes like the below that elevate the Sheen meme from glorification of some narcissistic, abusive asshole to internet notoriety.
And now you can stick up his inspiring "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars" decal in your son's nursery. Well said, Charlie. Now stop threatening to hack up the women in your life. [$25 at Vinylocalypse]