Three New Ways Video Games Will Keep You From Getting Laid

In 2010, video game developers are making the controversial decision to try and take gamers where they seldom go: off the couch. Generally, people play video games because they prefer to live in a virtual world where there aren't pesky things like weight, heat, or sweat. For some reason, though, designers are ditching the typical controller setup and forcing us to flail our limbs in front of the TV.

The times are changing. But certain things remain the same, like the fact that gaming will never get you a date. So, without further ado, here are three new ways in which the game gods are conspiring to keep you from getting laid.

Microsoft Kinect for Xbox 360: The maker of such user-friendly and bug-free products as Windows and Office has done away with the controller completely. In its place, Microsoft is using a high-tech 3D camera and microphone setup that gives users the ability to control gameplay with their bodies. One of the titles that's catching the most buzz is Dance Central. This game hopes to take your awkward white-boy moves and make you a master of poppin' and lockin' to a soundtrack that includes remixes of Lady Gaga and Bell Biv Devoe. There's also a fitness game that analyzes your body for "problem areas." Did I mention that you will also be talking to your Xbox now to control it? "Xbox, on! Xbox, play! Xbox, you're my only friend."

Kinect won't be available until November, but starting Thursday, July 15, you can test it out at the Macy's in Dadeland Mall.

PlayStation Move: Sony's alternative controller really writes the jokes itself. The PlayStation Move is played by holding two long, shiny, black tubes topped with glowing orbs. You wave them and a camera tracks the movement. While many are already calling this the link between sex toys and video games, Sony is hoping that gamers will grab a pair of these stick-and-ball combos and shake them vigorously in living rooms across America. And just to make nerd wet dreams complete, they are releasing a sorcery game which will have you waving your dildo-like device while casting magical spells and defeating evil mages. Again ... Never getting laid.

Nintendo Wii Vitality Sensor: Selling everyone on the concept of motion gaming with the Wii since 2006, Nintendo now want us all to calm down a little, so they've introduced the Wii Vitality Sensor. This attachment is basically a heartrate sensor which Nintendo claims will monitor your various bodily functions in order to control games. (Could this trend eventually lead to the Nintendo Enema Extender?) The dongle will encourage gamers with alien hand syndrome to reach a enlightened zen state with one hand while frantically waving a Wii remote with the other. So far, no game developer has been brave or stupid enough to release a game for this peripheral. But knowing Nintendo, they will indeed find a way for our favorite Italian plumber to jump for a coin when we get a stiffy.

-- Bryan Barcena

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