Yesterday, E! Online published a list of "The 100 Best Things in Pop Culture."
Scratch that. Yesterday, E! Online published a list with the hilarious, possibly even ironic title, "The 100 Best Things in Pop Culture."
Here at Cultist, we know link-bait when we see it. Ordinarily we'd just click through a list like this, chuckle a bit, and go back to scouring the Internet for recent nip-slips or something.
But some of the items on this particular listicle were so glaringly awful -- like, not even ironically enjoyable -- that we couldn't resist putting together a little list of our own.
Read on for ten inexplicable things the people at E! really, really love. Don't worry, the nip-slips will still be there when you're done.
Celebrity Booze Endorsements
"Why settle for fragrances or clothing lines when we can share our favorite celebs' passion for getting looped?" E! asks. Because celebrities have really shitty taste in booze, that's why. Overpriced Ciroc aside, this also means we have to endure Michael Imperioli's douchey, condescending snark in 1800 Tequila ads. No and no.
Skrillex, Household Name
The mainstreaming of Skrillex is not a thing to embrace, people. It begins with the music. It ends with masses of stringy, oddly shaved, dyed-black hair in our fashion magazines and our Bravo reality TV shows. Just say no.
Desserts on Pinterest
No, E!, you do not get to shove Photoshopped images of impossibly skinny, plastic women in our faces 24-7 and then follow it up with a treasure trove of tasty, tasty desserts. That is just cruel and unusual. Maybe our women's studies professor was right, and celebrity culture really is a conspiracy to make us all feel shitty about ourselves. Or maybe you're just jerks. Either way, we're hungry.
We can all agree this reference has been fully exploited, right? (Yes, partly by us.) Remember a decade ago, when Budweiser had us all walking around saying "Whassup?" in annoying voices, and everyone generally thought it was hilarious ... and then decidedly un-hilarious? Zombie apocalypse jokes are the modern day "Whassup."
Amanda Bynes' DUI Drama
(Okay, we know who. We grew up in the Nickelodeon era just like the rest of you. But really, E!, in a world of Leslie Knope, Joe Manganiello, and Cat Deeley's weekly fashion disasters, your gleeful enjoyment of the alcoholism of a D-list celebrity is one of the 100 best things in pop culture right now? Shame.)
Abby Lee Miller's Voice on Dance Moms
"Her rasp rivals Rachael Ray's, striking terror into the hearts of young steppers and stage moms alike," says E!. And this is a good thing how? (Also, she is the devil.)
Fake Celeb Twitter Accounts
Here's a fun way to contribute to society: Rather than oversharing Instagram photos of your lunch and LOLCATS links under your own name on Twitter (aka the old fashioned way), do it as a celebrity! This, surely, is just a quirky and totally unique thing to do, and not at all a desperate cry for attention in the increasingly crowded yet isolating realm of the Interwebs. So go ahead. Stage the death of a well-known stranger. All in good fun, right?
Fifty Shades of Grey
"Racy, S&M-filled Twilight fan fiction." You're doing our work for us, E!.
"Call Me Maybe" covers on YouTube
...because the radio's not playing the original version enough?
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So much eyeliner. So much white face powder. So many weird antics and odd costumes. The longer we support Depp's downward spiral, the more likely it becomes that he will turn into an actual circus clown. It's intervention time, people.