Match is fordesperados
, eHarmony for old fogies, and Christian Mingle for closeted freaks, leading us cyber whores to the next best thing - Tinder. Meant to serve as an on-the-go service for both social and non-social single specimen, this dating app triggers and targets local hotties (and sometimes the occasional mutants) in your surrounding neighborhoods. Not only is it easy as hell to maneuver, but also fun - some would even call it sport-like, or a game perhaps. This year's Olympians can attest to that. But for the ladies new to the game, sometimes it proves challenging to weed out the weird and distinguish those worthy of that fateful right swipe, especially in our beloved Magic City.
Not to fear, gal pals. Let the below content decode the actions and words of your most common Miami male prospects. On your mark, get set, swipe.
See also: Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated
The Incestual Guy
Sure, buddy, we totally believe that's how you take pictures with your "sister." From that gleam of happiness glistening in his eye, right down to the hovering hand over her ass, try all his might to convince you that supermodel standing arm in arm with him, who replicates the exact DNA makeup of Candice Swanepoel, is in fact his dear sissy-poo, or at best, a cousin. To the left, to the left!
His profile reads "Age: 27" but by the looks of his receding hairline and pronounced crows feet you refuse to believe. A befitting 45 would have been a more appropriate choice for his mature nuances. While the oldies are trying to restore their glory from more supple days, the younglings seem to be in the same state of denial. If it's not one, it's definitely the other, aka a guy who claims to be 29 when he looks prepubescent. Leave the pitchy voices to the Disney Channel and the saggy balls to Turner Classic Movies. Just swipe left.
The "Awww" Guy
This guy is usually embracing his dog "Sport" in his main profile pic. Side note: any guy who has that much love for dogs is a compassionate and looks for something more than just the inside of your pants. Ever hear the saying "the way he treats his mother is the way he'll treat you?" Lie. As it turns out, the way he treats his dog is the way he'll treat you. Never trust a guy who has a strong antipathy for dogs. That's just wrong. Dog guy: Swipe him over to the right.
Why join an online institution based on superficiality and aesthetics if you're not willing to post a picture of your face? In lieu of a giant smile, you are presented with a stock photo of a Mardi Gras mask, and if you're really lucky, you'll get a lovely default picture with a white, mysterious little man in the form of a caricature - also faceless. Hint: you are not being mysterious by not posting a picture of yourself - you are being creepy. The faceless have no place in the land of Tinder, and may God have mercy on their soul. We know that you won't. Lefty loosey, boo.
The Serial Killer
In the words of the late Heath Ledger, "Why so serious?" For some reason, this guy won't open his mouth to save his life. Does he have a snaggle tooth? Was there a death in the family? Is he just looking for someone to kill? Chances are one out of the three is indeed taking place. Swipe to the left, unless you find the idea of your lifeless body guest staring on Dateline appealing.
Hot, hot, hot, that is, until he gets you in a private chat room. His opening line of "DTF?" couldn't be clearer. You've heard stories and myths, but you never really believed this guy existed. A look of shock covers your face as you let out an astounding "is he serious?" Oh, but he is, and that's him being romantic. His candor and preverbal choices have no room among you and your country-club clique. That's what brothels are for. Left his ass.
This guy usually poses with children and babies, insinuating that he's some kind of family man. Don't give into it. He paid his five-year-old nephew a whopping dollar to stand along side him in an awkward picture, just so that he could con sweet girls like you into thinking that he's "The Aww Guy." Hint: "DTF?" guy also had a serene picture walking on the beach, holding hands with an innocent-looking toddler in the sunset. Get where I'm going with this? If it's not his nephew, it's his daughter and the end result of some major baby-momma drama. All cons and baggage to the left, please.
More commonly known as "the one who got away." You never meant for it to happen. Your fingers were moving faster than your eyes could process, due in part to the assortment of hopeless Goombas and reoccurring sloppy jalopies clogging up your feed. He was the Ken to your Barbie, fully intact with perfect teeth, no stranger to Crest Whitening Strips, and a body that would make Zeus a hater. In the blink of an eye, all of your hopes and dreams of what a perfect life mate should be were cast into a dark abyss, spiraling down a toilet of "never again." Oh, if only your cries of paramount remorse were heard by the Tinder deities. The right turned wrong, or in this case, left.
A prominent aficionado of the LMFAO station on Pandora, this guy is the life of the party - or thinks he is. This poor bloke clearly didn't get the memo that white, thick-framed, lenseless glasses have long since died the day Sky Blue bid Red Foo adieu. He's usually the maggot that swarms around you and your friends at LIV in a sweaty fit. To avoid future rain showers from a guy who calls himself "Tad," swipe that shit to the left.
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Scrolling through your daily matches like it was some sort of marathon to be prized, you hear a screeching car break as your mouth hits the floor. "No, it couldn't be," you think to yourself as the clarity of this guy's headshot comes into full focus. This headshot does not contain a mouth; it does not contain a pair of eyes, nor does it contain a nose. What it does contain, however, are a full head of hair and a flesh-colored elephant trunk lying flaccidly on his abdominals. We all know men can be hasty, but good God, a dick pick? Let me at least find out your last name first. No further pictures were provided in this Pee-wee's playhouse. So, in which direction do we send this subhuman packing? L-E-F-T!
-- Nycole Sariol