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The Ten Best Things to Do in Miami This Weekend

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America is officially 237 years old, and homegirl looks better than all of us. While Miami is pumped full of silicone and Botox, skin stretched like crime scene tape, butt so big she needs a cement truck just to get outside, the good old U.S. of A. is aging gracefully.

Shame, shame, shame.

See, if anything can show us that natural beauty is the best route of aestheticism, it's America. We may have built her up and enhanced her just a little here and there, but her tiny nips and tucks will never stand up to Miami, whose residents look more like walking plastic surgery textbooks.

Friday

Of Montreal: We're just gonna keep having bizarre celebrations over here.

oOoOO: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Dirty South: As opposed to Clean North? Heck yes.

"Look at Me" Inaugural Exhibition: A free exhibit of photography designed to integrate with everyday life.

Saturday

Music Fashion Skate Cause: A block party/charity event to push the Wynwood art scene past its limits.

Brickell Independence Music & Art Festival: Rest assured Brickell is celebrating America's independence from England. Brickell is still a part of Miami.

Nema Williams and Ed Blaze: A comedy show with the bonus of a geography lesson.

Sunday

Picnic With the Pets: When was the last time you spent a Sunday with just you and Fido?

Venezuelan Independence Festival: You know what this calls for? Empanadas de pabellon.

Midtown Get Down: A barbecue, Miami's own DJ Self Born, and two-for-$5 PBR. WINNING!

Follow Alex on Twitter @ARodWrites.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.