The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 14: Brawls and Breakdowns in Bimini

When the opening scene of Real Housewives of Miami is pouring rain, you know the editing guy with a degree in drama is thinking, "Self, this is pure genius! What a scene I am creating!"

And yeah, he did -- but these ladies created a shitshow all on their very own. Terrible weather wasn't even necessary.

See also:
- Smoking Hot Photos of Elsa Patton Before Real Housewives of Miami
- Last week's Real Housewives of Miami recap

We begin with a Bimini Bay breakfast fit for Real Housewives. There is a personal chef, tons of booze, and enough food to feed the entire island. Naturally, the ladies begin the day by talking about the fact that Karent Sierra is more than likely being cheated on, and girl needs to get a grip on that fact. Very casual morning talk, of course.

We love Lea Black, and quotes like this are why: "Roy can't afford to cheat on me." Lea needs Karent to get a hold of herself, and she will yell till she does so. The real victim here isn't Karent and the fact she is being humiliated on national TV. It's the poor chef who is giving the camera the look of, "These bitches are crazy." Ma'am, you are correct in that statement.

Then, as if Lea's advice wasn't great enough, Mama Elsa was called in from Miami. When she was informed of Cheatinggate 2012, she said it was all bullshit.  Usually, what Mama Elsa says goes, but right now, we're kind of loving the bullshit. What can we say?

It just would be an episode of the Real Housewives of Miami without a tear or 12. Lisa and Lea have a heart-to-heart about babies, and it tugs the very strings of our black heart. While we couldn't get off the fact that Mrs. Black looks like a ghetto-fabulous gypsy, we did cherish that moment.

The crying didn't stop there. After a fun trip to the conch stand (not cock, Joanna,) the real Karent Sierra comes out. Sadly, her father was rushed to the hospital because of shortness of breath. But with that, we finally got to see that terrible trucker mouth of hers. We like a girl with a "don't fuck with my family" mentality. It might have taken all season, but we are finally starting to come around on that dentist.

If we have learned anything from the large amount of Bravo that we watch, it's that having meals together isn't the Housewives' strong point. A nice meal at their villa started fine and dandy. We have Chef Ana in the kitchen, cocktails being shaken, and as they take a seat, appetizers are served. Before we know it, it was decided that the evening's discussion would be about why they all hate one another. Alexia hates Karent (who was smart and skipped this meal) because she plays dumb. Then, it moved to Elaine, and the fact that still hates Marysol because she didn't apologize. Then, FLASHBACK! It all comes out (with a clip, naturally) that in fact, Marysol didn't tell Lisa Pliner to hire her. How the plot thickens... Let us note that at this point in the meal, they are barely past the apps.

Then, here came Marysol vs. Lea. Mrs. Black is pissed, and it all started about three years ago at her Black Gala. There was accusations of celeb disses, red carpet kickoffs, and stalking of Lil Wayne. Marysol is shaking her head like Stevie Wonder behind the piano and Lisa is waving her hand like she has a cramp. But then, just as you think Lea might bitch slap Marysol across the table, they decide to put the past in the past and hug it out. Wait, what? Hello, roller coaster of emotions, it's nice to see you again.

Next week, they head to the healing hole to rid themselves of all their demons. Healing hole you say? Sounds like an XXX film to us, but with the season finale coming up next week, you never know.

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