The Nine Miami People We Wish Were on Game of Thrones

The time has finally come. Game of Thrones Season 6 premieres this Sunday, and we literally can't even. We are without the ability to deal. We are so delirious it has us fantasizing and contemplating what Westeros would be like in an alternate universe — one where HBO decided to cast a bunch of Miamians and film locally. 

Imagine that familiar theme song and the cities rising from a map. But instead, the score is remixed (because: Miami) and in place of the forests and castles are highways with lots of stationary cars stuck in traffic. We really, really wish author George R.R. Martin had been inspired by the Magic City. We thought about this so much we decided to put it into writing. At the very least, this list will help us get through the next few GoT-less days.  

 1. Queen Cersei Lannister — Eva Mendes
Don't get it twisted — our Queen obviously has to be a hot Latina. Miami-born Eva Mendes fits the bill. Like Cersei, she's sweet-looking on the outside — so much so that you almost find yourself rooting for her. Almost. Though Mendes hasn't exactly played too many roles that have required her to be quite as ruthless, we think she can pull it off. 

2. Daenerys Targaryen (Khaleesi) — Shakira

It would take one hell of a woman to re-create the amazing character that is Khaleesi. It would take a woman with a stare that could move armies, and a presence that could make crowds chant "Mother" at the mere sight of her. It would take a woman who can pull off going by one name. No, not Madonna (although we did consider her). Rather, part-time Miami resident, singer, and hip-shaker extraordinaire Shakira would be our pick to be the Mother of Dragons. 

Seconds before going on stage #SEXANDLOVETOUR

A photo posted by Enrique Iglesias (@enriqueiglesias) on

3. Jon Snow — Enrique Iglesias
Yeah, it just got real Miami up in here. To play our version of the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, you have to be a man viewers would root for — a man who bleeds that good-guy persona, a man who has the ability to make a puppy-dog face while simultaneously attempting to lead, a man so brave and strong he can slice his entire hand open on a camera drone during a concert and not skip a beat. AND SHUT UP, BECAUSE IN OUR VERSION, JON SNOW WOULD BE FINE. He's totally fine. Not dead. Fine.
4. Lord Tywin Lannister — Pat Riley
The Lord of House Lannister, the Lord Paramount of the Westerlands, and the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms — he sounds like Miami Heat President Pat Riley. You'd have to be one ruthless son-of-a-gun to be a Lannister, and as we have seen, Riley will cut a bitch to get what he wants. He would have no problem playing the role of a man who goes to great lengths to stay on top. Plus, we bet he pays his debts.

5. Eddard Stark and Catelyn Stark — David and Victoria Beckham
Now that the Beckhams officially own an MLS team in Miami, we'll claim them as Miami people. The former pop singer and soccer star might not be the most experienced actors, but their undying love and affection for each other make them the perfect pair to play the characters that head the House of Stark. Beckham's good looks and charisma alone would make viewers cringe when the Warden of the North, um, does you know what. (Spoiler alert for those living under a rock: Eddard gets his head chopped off at the end of Season 1. WE'RE STILL DEALING WITH THAT, OK?). The couple's boys could even play some roles, like Bran or even Arya. A little tinkering with the script (and genders) could make for an interesting story. 
6. Jamie Lannister — Oscar Isaac
To be our Knight of the Kingsguard, you have to be one handsome man. I mean, people need to forget that Eva Mendes is your sister during those sex scenes. Isaac has all the good looks required for the role. Plus, he has just enough mystery needed to pull off the role of the Kingslayer. At some point here, we had to cast some real actors, and no one is better to anchor the cast than Isaac. 
7. Tyrion Lannister — DJ Khaled
Think about it: Tyrion Lannister is constantly battling the "theys," just like DJ Khaled. If need be, we can surely produce a dwarf-size Khaled on camera. Nobody wanted him to live after going on trial for allegedly poisoning King Joffrey, so what did he do? He rose up on them fools. Major key. Throughout his journey, people have laughed at him and not taken him seriously. In the end, he's the one laughing. 

8. Khal Drogo — Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson 
The natural choice to play the fierce warrior of Miami-Drogo is Dwayne Johnson. Really, there is no other choice. The Rock would be a perfect fit for the warlord of the Dothraki. And the coupling of Johnson and Shakira on film would provide viewers with some amazing eye candy. The former pro wrestler's muscles, tattoos, and overall physical appearance make him an easy pick.

9. King Joffrey — Justin Bieber 
No, singer Justin Bieber isn't technically a Miami resident, but he spends just enough time here for us to talk ourselves into casting him. We'd be only renting him. After the show is over, Canada can definitely have him back. The Biebs would have zero trouble pulling off the character of King Joffrey Baratheon. It's as if he has been training his entire life for this role. Imagine scenes of King Bieber mocking and provoking a computer-generated dwarf DJ Khaled. Are you even listening to us right now, Netflix? 

Game of Thrones
Season 6 premieres at 9 p.m. Sunday, April 24, on HBO. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi