The Nine Miami Guys You Will Probably Meet This Year

It doesn't matter how long you've lived in the Magic City — whether you've been here for years or only recently arrived, you've quickly learned that you probably won't be find your soul mate in Miami anytime soon. From guys who put booty over brains to those who flash their money or really just don't get it, dating in Miami can be like one bad dream after another. As you venture into the fresh dating scene of 2016, take note, because these are the nine Miami guys you'll most likely meet out there. Warning: You might want to stay away from some of them. Date with caution, ladies.

9. The guy who likes fast cars
He spends his weekends at the races in Homestead and spends more time photographing Ferraris on South Beach than he does staring at other women's asses — which, fine, that's a plus. But come on, dude — no one wants to play second fiddle to an overly expensive piece of metal, especially when its admirer still lives in a two-bedroom apartment with his mom in Kendale Lakes. You wish he would spend less time at the body shop, and wonder whether he'll ever get a clue that the neon lightning bolt he added to the rear of his hatchback is not happening. Thanks, bro, but we'll pass.

8. The nice Jewish boy looking for a nice Jewish wife
He lurks at law schools and business programs all over Miami, serially dating and texting female students he thinks his mom would call a mensch. But while his intentions may seem dubious, inside he's really just a nice Jewish boy at heart. He's tired of the dating game, and while he's playing it for now, it's merely a means to an end: This boy is looking for a wife, and his only requirement is that she's gotta be Jewish. Chicksa goddesses need not apply to date this Miami dude.

7. The guy who can get you in
The first time he breezed his way through the line at Basement, you were pretty impressed. But as you began spending more time considering whether you really wanted to date this guy, you realized his life was an endless string of VIP ropes and bottle service. And he spent more time texting the bouncers of South Beach than he did with you. 

6. The guy who's looking for a green card
He stalks online dating sites vowing he's looking for something serious, but what he means is he needs a serious solution, and fast: This guy's time in the U.S. is about to expire, and he has really come to love all the money/freedom that seems to be flowing through these parts. In fact, he'll do just about anything to stay in bounds, including marrying a stranger. 
5. The guy with money
He's always taking you to nice dinners and expensive shows at the Arsht, and his life seems to revolve around spending his money as quickly as possible. But that's likely because he has no trouble replacing it, and though for some Miami women that might be the quintessential asset in a man, his money doesn't really help you get over his dullness. His money is really just not that interesting, and neither is he.

4. The guy who's always on Tinder
You may have met on Tinder, but you figured now that he knows you, he would delete the app. Which is why you were equal parts disgusted and dismayed when your girlfriend texted you to let you know that she just swiped right on his face. Sure, you never said you were exclusive, but trolling for a cheap hookup online is not cool. Ditch this guy immediately. 

3. Your ex-boyfriend
Your ex is always in the picture when you live in Miami: Every bad date you go on makes you reconsider whether your differences were really that irreconcilable. Recycling your ex is a common phenomenon because there appears to be a lack of magic in this city, and Miami guys often fail to light a spark. So every couple of years, you reconnect with a former flame and give it another (painful) go-round to make it work. The reality is, it rarely does. But maybe 2016 is your year.

2. The guy who thinks all women should look like Kim K
Why is dating in Miami so hard? Because with this many beautiful women running around, even the biggest of losers thinks he can land a girl who far surpasses him in the looks category. This particular brand of Miami man makes all of his decisions based on T&A. Never mind if a girl has intellect and interesting hobbies; he's far more interested in meeting girls who represent the fictitious image of a perfect 10.

1. The guy who doesn't get it
The second you awkwardly gave him your number, you knew you had made a huge mistake. Though his persistence was unsettling, you simply got tired of finding polite ways to say no. And while you have never gone out with him and have hardly acknowledged he's messaging you, he continues with his ritual "Good morning, beautiful" as though the two of you are an item. It will go on like that for a few weeks until you finally get a text from him calling you a bitch and lobbing every other expletive he can think of at you. Next time you run into this guy, just run.

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Nicole Martinez
Contact: Nicole Martinez