My dad was nice enough to arrange and take this photo for me for a party I used to throw called Flute Salad. I think he deserves some calamari from Fox's on Sunday.EXPAND
My dad was nice enough to arrange and take this photo for me for a party I used to throw called Flute Salad. I think he deserves some calamari from Fox's on Sunday.
James Tracy

The Most Dad Places in Miami to Take Your Padre on Father's Day

Something all fathers do in Miami is sweat.

And something all good Miami fathers do is sweat through seasons after season of soul-crushingly boring little league games, those awkward mermaid-themed quinceañeras, and just watching you go through your Gothic phase. Point is, your old man was, and sometimes still is, a wet mess just to make you feel loved. This Father's Day (it's Sunday, btw), it's time to return the favor and perspire during a day planned just for him. 

Part of thanking dad in this manner is to uncover his haunts and, with as fake a smile as he mustered all those years, endure them. What does your dad like to do now that his brood has (hopefully) left the nest? We're about to drop that knowledge onto your computer screen. 

Now, every patriarch is into different stuff, so we've stereotyped your male parental units in the least offensive manner possible and grouped them under corny titles. You're very welcome.

Say hi to your father for us. OK? 

Fishing by the old Herald building and drinks at Mike’s at Venetia 
Men, especially ones that always wore white caps and polos with khaki shorts just a little too long, like to fish. This remains a mystery to the rest of us who can think of many more enjoyable activities than setting the skin stage for melanoma while waiting around to traumatize or murder a scaly aquatic creature. But if your pops is a sucker for this kind of meditative downtime on the waves, then you need to bring him fishing.

Head out to that area in Biscayne Bay where the old Miami Herald building stood. You'll have a front row view of this quickly changing city all while floating on slow, soothing waves. After catching fish you probably don't want to eat, dad will likely want a greasy plate of something unhealthy and a whole pitcher of Miller Lite. For this, hit up Mike's at Venetia and watch whatever sports are on TV. Do it for dad. 

Coral Gables Father
Dinner at Fox’s and a show at GableStage
If you grew up in South Miami or Coral Gables, you were likely introduced to Fox's Lounge, aka Fox's Sherron Inn, at an unusually young age. You grew up slurping up their navy bean soup and listening to boat guys (who weren't ever dads) tell of their seafaring adventures. Give Gables dad a thrill and bring him back to this classic and magnificent Miami joint. After, you can catch whatever's playing at GableStage. And just like dad stayed up during your graduation, you will attempt to maintain consciousness during this endeavor. If you were a theater major, you just may enjoy the whole experience. 

My Two Dads
Rosie’s Bar and Grill in Wilton Manors, a day of thrifting at Out of the Closet, and drinks at Magnum
Some lucky people actually have two dads. Two dads? That sounds pretty chill. Your gay fathers will heartily enjoy the party that is Sunday at Rosie's in Wilton Manors. The mimosas and bloody Marys are dirt cheap and the appetizers have names like Britney Spears and Great Balls of Fire. Head south to the Out of the Closet on Biscayne for some really cheap thrifting — the gifts just buy themselves. Since your two dads are inherently more fun than any one dad, you'll probably end up drinking $4 margaritas at Magnum after and singing "I Will Survive" with the show tunes-playing pianist. 

Papa Earth
Airboat ride in the Everglades, lunch at the Coconut Grove Organic Market, and a nightcap at the Taurus
So your dad is granola, but he's not like riding his bike across the Rickenbacker crazy kind of granola (especially at 5 a.m., don't do it!). He's still down to mess with nature enough to cruise across the River of Grass in a loud, wild airboat ride. After you eat your share of mosquitoes, you'll want something more substantive. Meet up with you padre's yoga buddies and vegan pals at the Glaser Farm's market in the heart of Coconut Grove for seriously scrumptious food made with seaweed and avocado and sprouts. Then head to the second most dad bar in the Grove (Flanigans may be number one), make sure to get pops a whiskey at the Taurus after. 

Daredevil Dad
Chow at 94th Aero Squadron and flight lessons at Miami Fly
Do you have a badass dad? The kinda guy who still looks almost cool in a leather jacket, who'll fly down the highway on his Harley, well, or at least ride it down an empty road and look not too dorky? Then Father's Day is the time to bring him to the 94th Aero Squadron for the aroma of steak and jet fuel. It's classy enough, but the planes overhead give a slight edge to the joint. Then jump on a freaking tiny airplane and set out with dad in the pilot's seat. Or maybe just wave at him as he learns to ride the wind from your safe spot on the ground. This is what cool daredevil dad wants to do. Make his day. 

Baby Daddy
Dinner at Mango’s Tropical Cafe and daddy alone time at King of Diamonds
Maybe you have a baby daddy, and since he's still in your life, you may feel obligated to say thanks. Not "Thank you!!!" but "OK, thanks." Take this guy to SoBe. That's where he's gonna want to go. Let him try to dance salsa with the sexy lady that works at Mango's. Make eye contact with her, let her know you're sorry, that you understand. After consuming massive amounts of nachos, give your baby daddy a wad of ones and bid him adieu. He'll enjoy making it rain at KoD and possibly make time to create more siblings to take the heat off of your bad decisions. Happy Father's Day, ya rolling stone. 

Follow Liz Tracy on Twitter for more bad dad jokes.

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