To honor the holidays, to gloat about how superior she is to everyone else, or in a display of early onset dimentia, Oprah has once again compiled a list of her favorite things -- things normal people like her simply cannot love without.
According to Oprah, she "picked and planned, tasted and touched, sniffed and snuggled" through a whole pile of questionably useful, outrageously priced items to compile this list for us. Hey, flipping through catalogs is hard work, but somebody's gotta do it.
Here's a gold-plated, truffle-scented taste of what Oprah has declared worthy of America's Christmas lists. (Pro tip: Pop your Xanax now.)
5. Swing Design Tray and Boxes
Retail $70 - $120
These are just like those shoebox-shaped storage boxes used for keeping old photos and rolling paper. But fancy!
Oprah says: "I think it was Paul Simon who said, 'Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you.' [Ed. note: WTF?] This set of boxes is wonderful for the friend who can never manage to keep her keepsakes--from old love letters to fading ticket stubs to seashells from a Sunday at the beach--all in one safe place."
Yeah, baby. Container Store culture at its most decadent.
4. Coach Puffers, AKA Puff the Magic Jacket
This is just a quilted jacket. But fancy!
Oprah says: "The thing I love about Coach is its attention to detail. This perfect down puffer trimmed in leather manages to be nice and warm without making you look like the Incredible Hulk. Amen!"
We'd much prefer to emulate @FeministHulk. But we don't think ze'd approve of these jackets.
3. Pet Canister and Bowl
This is a dog bowl and a dog food storage container. But -- yeah, you get the picture.
Oprah says: "What do you get for the dog that reads Architectural Digest? This recycled-steel canister and stoneware bowl in a traditional toile pattern."
We're not making this up, people.
2. R. Nichols Scented Candles
Retail $45 each
These are small, votive scented candles. For $45 a pop.
Oprah says: "
I have absolutely lost my mind, someone! Please! Illustrator R. Nichols says his mission is 'to create joy--if only in small ways.' Mission accomplished. How charming are his candles? Scented like a Christmas tree, a crackling fire, and seven other cozy fragrances, they put everyone in the holiday spirit."
And here we thought Yankee had cornered the market on overpriced scented candles. You've proven us wrong yet again, Oprah.
1. Moscow Mule Kit
Retails $145 - a bottle of vodka, four beers, four mugs, syrup, and serving tray.
Okay, we'll admit that we chose this item as number one on the list not so much for the product's sheer ridiculousness factor, but for Oprah's. Here is the delicious advice that Oprah offers in regards to this "must-have" item for any normal person:
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"Everything you need to make a brilliant Moscow Mule, including my personal recipe. I suggest drinking at least two when you're at Yosemite trying to pitch a tent in the rain with Gayle King."
As if we would be caught dead without this kit the next time we go camping at Yosemite with Gayle! What does Oprah think we are? Crazy?
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