4
| Culture |

Ten Ways to Have a Successful Thanksgiving

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Ah, Thanksgiving; the time of year when Pilgrims and Indians grow corn and shoot unsuspecting turkeys all in the name of a gigantic overindulgent feast.

Nowadays however, Thanksgiving is known for its family-oriented festivities where all the relatives can get together in one place and criticize each other. Oh, and eat more food in one sitting than seems humanly possible. With all the holiday headaches that come with, lighten your load a bit with our Thanksgiving checklist and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

10. Fast for 24 hours to allow maximum consumption. Or you could just

trade stomachs with a cow to allow for easy digestion of the four

Thanksgiving food groups. One for turkey, one for mashed potatoes, one

for green bean casserole, one for cranberry sauce...

9. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and pray the Smurfs float

gets rickrolled in the middle of their la la la's and happy little Smurf

dances like Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends' float did in 2008.


8. Finally feel secure in your adulthood by insisting you sit at the

big table instead of the kids' table. So what if there's no room? Get a

bigger table grandma!

7. Outbelch your Dad and Grandpa in the annual Thanksgiving

Belch-a-Thon. Bonus if your burps taste like cranberry.

Mmmm...cranberry...

6. Two words: pumpkin pie.

5. Watch awkwardly as your grandparents squabble over who will clean

the dishes. Then, casually lose your hearing as they trade threats of

where the turkey baster might end up next.

4. Pre-break the wishbone, then glue it back together. Take the bigger

half and wish for a saner family. If anyone suspects your trickery,

just tell them the turkey had osteoporosis.

3. Watch the Dolphins/Cowboys game. If things get ugly, pretend you

fell asleep. You can blame it on the tryptophan, just don't let them

see your tears.

2. Tell turkey jokes to your little cousins and watch them squirt gravy out their noses.

Q. What sound does a turkey's phone make?

A. Wing! Wing!

1. Be thankful you have a family to spend Thanksgiving with even if

they are loud, annoying, gassy, and eccentric. At least you're not

spending it in jail like Lindsay Lohan.

--Liana Minassian

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.