Ten Ways Game of Thrones Would Be Different if It Were Set in Miami

By now, you must have seen Sunday night’s Season 5 finale of Game of Thrones. And if you haven’t, you were either living under a rock or binge-watching Orange Is the New Black. (If it was the latter, you’re forgiven.) So if you’re not yet caught up with this season, you might want to stop reading now to avoid spoilers. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Given all the deaths and rape scenes and dungeon usage in this season, we can’t help but imagine what life would have been like for the Starks, Lannisters, Targaryens, or even Baratheons had Game of Thrones been set in our sunny backyard.

It would surely be merrier times on Game of Thrones: Miami. Here are ten ways we reimagine a few things.

10. Game of Thrones: Miami parties would be more fun and less dramatic.
Bro, when we throw parties, we want everyone to have a blast — there’s a time and place for murder, but weddings aren’t one of them! Sure, Miamians can get a little wild at their parties, but that scene between Robb Stark and Roose Bolton would have gone a little differently in the 305. Roose would have been superdrunk and gone up to an equally drunk Robb and patted him on the back — dagger free — and been all (laughing hysterically), "The Lannisters send their regards.” To which Robb would have been all, "Huh? You’re drunk, Roose. Go home! LOL." And he would have called him an Uber ride, and that would have been the end of that.

9. There’d be much better weather.
Forget all that snow (argh, so much snow, but not enough Jon Snow). Instead, picture sunny, blue skies and warm, welcoming beaches. Characters wouldn’t have to worry about wearing dead animals on their backs for warmth. They’d be much more scantily clad and enjoying life without back problems.

8. It would henceforth be known as Sunup rather than Winterfell.
Let’s be honest: Winter would never fall over Miami. Like ever.

7. There would still be a lot of drinking.
We all know Queen Mother Cersei Lannister loves her wine at all hours of the day, so we wouldn’t dare change that up in Miami. However, let’s throw in some stronger spirits, like rum and vodka. If Cersei were toasting with a rum and Coke at 9 a.m., she’d be knocked out much earlier in the day and likely cause less trouble. Rum would be your savior, Westeros.

6. Our style of torture would be less fiery and more watery.
No more burning people at the stake — OMFG we still can’t BELIEVE that Stannis Baratheon let his daughter get sacrificed that way! More like Stannis Bastard — it’s too hot for that. In Game of Thrones: Miami, the ideal form of torture would involve water/drowning or trapping people in a tanning bed for too long.

5. There would be more smiling.
Have you ever noticed on a single episode that people in Westeros just don’t smile? Why so glum? We get it — everyone is basically at war with one another, and one family is conspiring with another, and the second you trust someone, you end up dead. Chill, man, take some time to smell the ocean breeze, let one of Dany’s dragon’s start a bonfire for you. Let's borrow a very valuable quote from Legally Blonde: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t shoot their husbands. They just don’t.” (Sub “exercise” for “sun exposure” here.)

4. No Sparrows here, but rather Santería.
If there’s gonna be one religious sector rising to power, it’ll be the Santeros, not the Sparrows. Everyone, line up for baños con agua bendita!

3. There’d be more hipsters and coffee shops.
Instead of spending her day trying to become a faceless man, Arya Stark would don a pair of thick-rimmed glasses (obviously with no prescription because she has 20/20 vision) and spend her day learning to be a barista. "How many shots of espresso in a Grande latte?" Jaqen H’ghar grills. “Three?” Arya quivers. “Lie!” barks H’ghar, slapping Arya’s wrist with a sugarcane stick.

2. Literally everyone would be Team Dany.
She already dresses the part of a typical Miami mami — big, bold fashion jewelry and all-white attire. This beyotch doesn’t care about the no-wearing-white-after-Labor Day rule because she rocks those pantsuits. Dany’s style is always on fleek, so we’d likely put her on the cover of all our magazines with the headline: "Local Diva Daenerys Targaryen Announces 2016 Presidential Run.”

1. That infamous slogan for House Stark, "Winter Is Coming," would be “Summer Is Coming.”
But really more like: “Bro, summer is already here, stop talking about the weather!”

Catch all seasons of Game of Thrones on the greatest platform on the planet, HBOGO, while the world patiently awaits next summer for Season 6. Summer is coming.

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Carolina del Busto is a freelance writer for Miami New Times. She nurtured her love of words at Boston College before moving back home to Miami and has been covering arts and culture in the Magic City since 2013.