Ten New Year's Resolutions You've Already Broken

The year 2014 began with so much promise. It's a clean slate, you told yourself. I can do anything. I can be anybody I want to be. And I'm going to make myself a better person.

Millions of people think the same thing at the beginning of each year. But now that we're six days into this "fresh start," how successful have you been? Chances are, not very.

But hey, it's not your fault. Miami is one of the worst places to accomplish your self-betterment goals. Read on for ten popular new year's resolutions that just don't fly in South Florida.

10. Drink Less

The resolution: That champagne toast at midnight was going to be your last, right? Riiiight.

The reality: Well, it was your last -- until the next morning, when you needed a little hair of the dog. And then there was the beer-soaked football weekend, after which you downed a bunch of mimosas at Sunday brunch. And tonight you'll probably be rooting for or actively against the Noles with a frosty beverage in hand, so, yeah, maybe next year.

9. Diet

The resolution: This is the year you finally feed yourself like a grownup, complete with veggies and all.

The reality: Eat healthfully? With the hangover you have? Only greasy fast food and All the Bread will cure your ills. It's basically medicine.

8. Reduce Your Stress

The resolution: The year 2014 was going to be the year you found your inner peace, whether through yoga, meditation, or regular trips to a therapist.

The reality: All the relaxing benefits of yoga, meditation, and therapy just fall away the minute you get behind the wheel to drive home. Hey, asshole! Use a blinker! I'm trying to commune with my inner self over here!

7. Keep the Road Rage in Check

The resolution: Speaking of your commute: You will not honk, yell, or flip the bird. You will remain calm. You will not threaten your fellow driver.

The reality: This is impossible in Miami. Unless 2014 is also the year you move to rural Maine, you should just give up now.

6. Quit Smoking

The resolution: You're tired of smelling like an ashtray. A smoke-free lifestyle sounded great...

The reality: ...until you spent the holidays with your family. Now you need a damn cigarette just to deal with the emotional fallout until they visit next year. Besides, you're already off the wagon booze-wise -- and what's a drink without a smoke?

5. Work Out

The resolution: It's time I joined the ranks of South Beach hotties, you told yourself. And the only way to do that is to hit the gym.

The reality: You were going to work out New Year's Day, but signing up for that gym membership was way more exhausting than you'd planned. You were going to go the next day, but it was rainy. The day after that, you had a late work meeting. And the day after that, you found this list of excuses not to go to the gym. That should keep your sedentary lifestyle in session for at least a few more months.

4. Save Your Cash

The resolution: You're going to start saving for the future like a real, live grownup.

The reality: Maybe you opened a savings account at the beginning of the new year, but chances are it's sitting empty after your unaffordable rent, that gym membership you're not using, and way too many drinks last weekend.

3. Volunteer

The resolution: You're going to make Miami a better place!

The reality: Now that we've established you're in a financial rut, all your free time is going toward finding and working a second job. Sorry, Miami charities.

2. Find Mr. or Mrs. Right

The resolution: No more hooking up at the club. No more one-night stands. This is the year you find your better half.

The reality: Maybe it is the year, but in the meantime, a few clicks around Match.com will send you back to your old habits right quick. Hey, who's to say that hot tourist from Nebraska you met at Mansion isn't your secret soulmate?

1. Act Your Age

The resolution: You're gonna behave with class and make Miami proud.

The reality: Mission failed, Miami. Mission failed.

Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.

Send your story tips to Cultist at cultist@miaminewtimes.com.

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