Crack heads are frying the eggs of rogue sacrificial chickens on the sidewalks, there's pit-stains galore, and your FPL bills are soaring ....Summer's officially here. And we bet you're doing anything and everything to keep cool. You're sucking on Choco-Tacos, wearing your shortest pair of coochie-cutters, and drinking from the hose.
We hate to break it you, but you're doing it all wrong. If you want to fight the heat like a true maverick, let us introduce you to some experts -- we're talking ten good-looking dudes who are masters at fighting the hot. And by "hot" we mean their God-given sexiness.
1. Brad Pitt
Taking a cue from his gorgeous girlfriend/wife/orphan snatching partner/personal baby breeding factory (we almost put 'golden retriever', but Angie's no dog, though she's produced a litter) who likes to cover her body in bulky tattoos and wears nothing but black, Pitt also enjoys playing "really, I'm not that hot" dress-up.
The proof is in the long gross hair in he rocked in his Legends of the Falls days, the billy goat beards, and his recent slicked-back, greasy, grayish I-own-a-24-hour-casino-in-Henderson-Nevada look he sported at 2011's Cannes Film Festival. Face it, Brad. You're hot. Why else do you think you keep on getting movie roles?
2. Jared Leto
Oh, Jordan Catalano. You sexy, dyslexic, misunderstood pretty boy that we all dreamt about making out with in the boiler room back in high school. And speaking of high school, remember those days? You know, back when you were still emotionally immature and had all these confusing feelings swirling around inside of your self-absorbed little mind, so you tried to assert your individuality by dressing like an idiot? You know, by doing things like dying your hair blue, racooning your eyes with tons of eyeliner, wearing fishnet stalkings on your arms -- Leto still does this...at age 39. Yeah.
3. Ashton Kutcher
No doubt Kutcher's a good looking guy and he's not really going out of his way to be less attractive. But, as women, we've always wanted to say this, so we're going to take our opportunity: "Just shut up and look pretty." That's right Kutcher, the more you talk, the uglier you get.
4. Sacha Baron Cohen
We've seen him wearing a CZ-encrusted grill as Ali G, in a super-wedgie inducing thong as Borat, having sex with his dead gay lover's ghost in Bruno, and most recently, looking like this. But wash away all the funny and you've got a handsome guy. But, we suppose it's okay. He does it for his art.
6. Bruce Jenner
Once upon a time, Bruce Jenner was a drool-inducing fellow. Then he met Kris Kardashian...and Dr. 90210. This one's tricky because Jenner isn't trying to fight the hot, he was trying to prevent it from slipping away, but alas, he fought the knife and the knife won.
7. Keanu Reeves
Sure, his beauty is more of an acquired taste. One developed in the early '90s while watching Paula Abdul's video for "Rush, Rush" one too many times (guilty) but ever since Reeves took up sitting on bus benches and getting all sad-like over sandwiches, his fine-factor has plummeted. Especially since he looks like he's sleeping in a cardboard box under an overpass at night and reeks of wet dog.
8. Jeremy London
Remember that cute guy from Party of Five? No not that guy from Dazed and Confused! The guy who looks just like the guy from Dazed and Confused! Anyway, thanks to extracurricular activities like getting kidnapped in Palm Springs and being forced to smoke crack at gunpoint, his aforementioned cuteness has died and gone off to 7th Heaven.
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9. Val Kilmer
Too many trips to Gotham Steak? Did he always envy Penguin's sexy physique? Did he eat Cat Woman? Who knows, but the former Batman Forever and The Doors star certainly broke on through to the pudgy side. Or maybe he's bloated from drinking the entire Salton Sea? Okay, okay, we're done. Our inner mean girl is tired and hungry...for Tombstone pizza.
10. Larry David
We know! But this isn't a joke, Larry David was once cute. But not only did Larry kill his inner hottie, it's like he took some massive man-hands, battered it to death, deep fried it, gave it to the soup nazi who pureed it, and put it in a puffy shirt.
Honorable Mention: Johnny Depp
Although he tries, Johnny can't fight the hot. The hot is too strong. It doesn't matter that he takes on creepy roles like Jack Sparrow and Edward Scissor Hands, has been with Kate Moss (God knows what he may have caught), and dresses like a yoga instructor you might find passed out and stoned in the back of a VW van after a drum circle, he's still as hot as Johnny Depp.