Ten Horrible Gifts to Give a Woman on Administrative Professionals Day

Chilean coal miners, stop your bitching! The most thankless job belongs to an office administrator. They're usually bogged down by mindless tasks, which everyone else (even the interns) feel too important to do, and are often considered the outcast in most office hierarchies.

But you know, it's the administrator's fault. Why did she waste her precious time and money double-majoring in philosophy and studio art? And yes, we know plenty of men work as administrators as well, so before you flood our comment box with "I'm a guy and I work as an administrator," take a moment, close your eyes, and think of the word secretary. Don't lie and say you didn't envision a female. It's Administrative Professionals Day, and because thoughtless bosses probably just realized they need to get their stupid receptionists, secretaries, oh shit, what's the PC-word for them again administrators a gift today, here are ten things NOT to buy them.

1. Victoria's Secret Gift Card

Unless you've already told her you're leaving your wife for her (for the past couple of years), this gift reeks of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

2. Anything That Has "World's Best Secretary" Printed on It

This one is especially thoughtless if your secretary applied for a managerial position or has been denied multiple promotions.

3. A Shake Weight

This goes along the same lines as a gym membership or a bathroom scale. Basically you're telling her she's fat. That or you really like looking at her boobs, and this -- just like the mini-trampoline you bought her last year -- will only enhance your boob-watching experience.

4. Midol

What? She is in a bad mood a lot of the time. Must be because of her monthly visits from Aunt Flo and not because you have a tendency to dump four hours' worth of data entry on her ten minutes before she's about to leave every day. Thank God she's salaried because the overtime would be a bitch! Just like her!

5. Groupons

Nothing shows your appreciation more than a printable coupon for an eyebrow wax that she can present at some cut-rate strip mall salon, catch a big ol' eye roll from the staff, and then show up to work the next day with burn marks over her eyes.

6. Cheap Sunglasses

See #5

7. Self-Help Books

Well, if she didn't need improvement, why is she working as your assistant?

8. The Boyfriend Pillow

She's so busy at work she doesn't have time to find a real boyfriend. So here's the next best thing! Plus it looks really plush and absorbent, great for soaking up all her tears as she weeps into it late at night.

9. Gourmet Coffee

Look! It comes all the way from Costa Rica and is blended with chocolate and bat guano! Why don't you brew us a pot?

10. A Receipt to Corporate to Reimburse Yourself for Whatever Gift You Gave Her OR a Card to Her That You Gave Her to Sign for You as You

Oh shit, you thought you were giving her a card to your wife for her to sign for you. And it's an honest mistake -- you get the two of them confused all the time! Both always nagging, nagging, nagging. And yes, you promise, you'll tell your wife tonight that you're leaving her.

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