When you heard the news about Heidi Klum and Seal's separation this weekend, you probably felt kinda sad. But admit it: the twisted, schadenfreude-loving part of you was a teeny bit thrilled. They were just too perfect, weren't they? With their beautiful bodies and accents and adorable babies?
And they're not the only ones. So after this weekend's heartbreaking confirmation that the power couple is calling it quits, we decided to look back on the recent year's top ten couples we felt sad (but not really) to see let go of the love.
It seems this couple had been on the path to forever after for eons.
Enter a less than attractive cleaning lady -- if anyone was going to
steal The Terminator and all of his terminating sex appeal, it was going
to be her -- then throw in a secret love child for good measure. Though
recent reports have it that the two are somewhat on a road to
reconciliation, they still split up, which keeps them qualified for our
9. Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez
one was something of a no-brainer, but in all fairness, they did seem
happy in their seven-year stretch. After all, finally popping out twins
during her third marriage was quite the feat for JLo. Nevertheless, the
Latino lovers didn't quite have the shimmy to cut it out for the long
run. Nowadays, word has it they're still in constant contact not only
for their kids, but also for their Latin America network take on American
Idol. Perhaps JLo's Mr. Right #4 will take her all the way to the end
of the "'til death do us part" part. On another note, does anyone else
notice how much Marc looks like a chihuahua? Anyone?
8. George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis
What an adorable pair these two were. She was Italian, he was a hunk, what more could you want? We watched the lovebirds sing happily away until the end of their two year commitment. We'll hand it to Clooney though -- he seems to have a knack for finding unknown chicks and keeping them on his arm. Never underestimate the Cloonmeister -- the man's 50 years old, he knows what he's doing.
7. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds
The sexy actress and Hottie McHotster actor kept more or less mum about their union until, well, it ended. In fact, we don't even really remember them being seen together -- their wedding photos were never released and it was a close friends and family ceremony. Despite the fact they kept out of the spotlight, we can't help but wonder what gorgeous offspring would've come out of the two -- now, we can only dream.
6. Sandra Bullock and Jesse James
They say love comes in all different kinds of packages -- so was the case for Sandra and Jesse. An odd pair from the start, the duo seemed to really enjoy the married life. Sandra seemed to domesticate Jesse in a way other wives of outrageously tattooed motorcycle fanatics couldn't. Short-lived, as most are, the marriage lasted but five years and ended in an ugly split with rumors of infidelity and confessions from mistresses. There's only one reason this made #6 and not #5 -- our next pick was the ultimate screwed-up-once-screwed-up-twice spotlight.
5. Jesse James and Kat Von D
Come on! Get your shit together, James! It's bad enough he screwed up with Sandra. Even worse that he screwed up with the Chilean burlesque mama, Kat Von D. Didn't you learn anything, Jesse?! You don't screw both ends of the lady-genre spectrum to end up single and miserable with only call girls by your side. That's just pathetic. Somebody get this guy (can't call him a man) a book on how to treat a lady, please!
4. Katy Perry and Russell Brand
We have to be completely honest -- we did not see this one coming at all. The looked so in love! Who marries in India? They do. Russell and Katy looked like they were having a jolly good time since they had first came out as a couple. Unfortunately, the quirky-yet-handsome Brit then announced he'd filed for divorce. What a sad ending to this duo -- but don't worry Katy, you're still young enough to catch a good one. British accents in men are overrated, anyway.
3. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
We kind of grew to love these two after our initial what-was-she-thinking outlook six years ago. When he was clean-shaven and presentable, they made a fine couple, despite their 15 year age difference. Sure, it was weird that her ex Bruce Willis was regularly seen with the family, but again, we grew to love the whole clan, unconventional and all. Perhaps this should be a lesson to cougars everywhere: go for ten years or less when prowling -- you don't want to be another Demi and have him go all ghost on you.
2. Heidi Klum and Seal
The shocker of all shockers (this one, by the way, is one we truly feel sad about): when we first heard the reports of Heidi and Seal splitting, we didn't believe a word. Then they confirmed it -- a stake to the heart. Why! They seemed to have it all, the cute kids, the natural beauty, the love for privacy, the red carpet finesse, the love. We figured if Heidi and Seal can't make it, what's left for the rest of us peons?
1. Kim Kardashian and Kris "Who?" Humphries
We know, we know, they've made every marriage list possible since their split, but for the sake of humor, we had to give them number one. The shocker of all non-shockers: yes, we expected Kim and Kris to wash down the nuptial drain, but they beat all of our bets by doing it in record time -- in fact, we'd given them at least six months before any ruckus was made. Leave it to Kim and "Momager" Kris Jenner to reveal the scandal of all scandals just 72 days later. We saw it coming, sure, but they deserve number one because this is one of the most ridiculous lists to ever exist, and they are two of the most ridiculous individuals to exist in it.
So, cheers to bad wedding cake and the ever-changing search for your first, second, and third Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.