If old traditions hold true, and obsessively watching Mad Men has taught us anything, it's that big advertising firms have their fingers in each other's pockets. Like Russell Crowe watching pigeons in A Beautiful Mind, patterns can emerge when you look at any given year's Super Bowl ads. Last year, Super Bowl XLV focused on men behaving badly. This year's own special thread: has-been celebrities.
Leading up to the game, the commercial getting the biggest hype was Volkswagen's "The Bark Side" commercial, featuring 11 pups barking out the Star Wars theme:
Nerds and dorks everywhere were hoping for a plethora of Star Wars-themed commercials, and Volkswagen didn't disappoint, cornering that market for the second year in a row. That left 2012 to be the year was the year of the recently misplaced celebrity -- the guys who we know were there all along, but had forgotten where to look.
5. John Stamos - Oikos Yogurt
Uncle Jesse is getting headbutted for the horrible things he did on Full House and still getting to bang some of the hottest starlets in Hollywood, right? I guess being a good-looking guy can carry a career long beyond it's usefulness. Couple it with a glorious mullet and awful stand-ins with the Beach Boys, and John Stamos will forever troll around the gutters of distant stardom.
4. Elton John and Flavor Flav - Pepsi
This queen made a lot of noise earlier this week by dissing on every gay's favorite hag, Madonna. Then he stars in a self-depreciating Pepsi commercial. The insinuation is that his career has fallen so far he's on par with Flava Flav -- so does that mean we can expect a Flavor of Love style dating show featuring the Rocket Man himself? It can be called something like Bloated Homos of Love or something.
3. Jerry Seinfeld - Acura
It's hard to believe that it's been 14 years since Seinfeld's epic self-title show ended. What's the deal with out of work former TV comedians? Seinfeld's follow up to Seinfeld was The Marriage Ref, voicing cartoon bees, and going back on the road again. Talk about catching lightning in a fishing net.
2. Matthew Broderick - Honda CR-V
We're calling it: Broderick has Growth Hormone Deficiency. The guy seriously hasn't aged a day since 1986. He probably even dyes his hair a little gray to throw everyone off his trail. Here's some Ferris Bueller-y things missing from this commercial: Ben Stein, the Principal being chased by a dog, and of course, Charlie Sheen (who we guarantee would've made an appearance for a gram of cocaine and a Red Bull).
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1. Howard Stern - America's Got Talent
Howard Stern's America's Got Talent spot is at the top of this list solely to serve the purpose of proclaiming a personal 20 year fandom. The worst part of Stern disappearing from public airwaves in 2004 for pay-to-listen SiriusXM Satellite Radio was his inability to piss off normal, mainstream America on a regular basis. Howard promised not to allow strippers, pornstars, or the mentally ill on America's Got Talent, but we hope Howard's promise lasts as long as it takes him to start a war with his bosses at NBC again.