Star Bores

A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, a couple of dudes spent months camped out on a Seattle street waiting for the opening of the new Star Wars movie, Episode Two -- Attack of the Clones. You might remember these losers and all the hoopla the zillion-dollar George Lucas flick attempted to inflict on the American psyche.

Like a bad viral infection brought on by the dark forces of Hollywood (herpes comes to mind), the saga has yet to be fully flushed out of our collective system. After a regular theater run, Star Wars: Episode Two -- Attack of the Clones opened on the super-size IMAX screen for those weirdos who can't stop dissecting the convoluted plot lines of the second "prequel" and its effect on our universe.

Seeing the quest of young Anakin Skywalker and his waifish love interest Senator Amidala played out against the shenanigans of the Empire and the Dark Side on a six-story screen does little to clarify the pompous script. By the end, all that is certain is that "the cloak of the dark side has fallen and the war with the clones begins," according to a fierce little reptilian munchkin named Yoda. Reading between his angst-ridden lines, that means there's yet another Star Wars disaster waiting to happen.

Watching the film on such a huge screen is bound to have its benefits. But they're tough to find. The endless UFO chases through asteroid fields and fabulous shots of space stations being blown to smithereens bring to mind a bad day on I-95. The endless parade of androids, space creatures, and mutants covered with what looks like chicken skin keeps one anticipating a cameo appearance by Marge Simpson (a refreshing idea). Kudos, however, to Yoda, who delivers an Oscar-worthy performance as the master of all Jedis and ancient bestower of whoop-ass.

So why should one pack up the kids and see the super-size cinematic extravaganza this weekend? In hopes that by witnessing the sci-fi epic magnified, the gullible public will truly understand what it really is: a zillion-dollar piece of propagandist space junk. Thankfully there is a cure to this much-hyped cultural disease: The Star Wars stint at the IMAX theater ends this weekend. Up next: Disney's The Lion King. Grrrr!

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Juan Carlos Rodriguez