Spyderwoman: A Modern, Totally Crazy, Miami-Made B-Movie

Dating in Miami is hard enough, even if you aren't a venomous mythical jungle monster who has escaped from a laboratory. But in Spyderwoman, a new movie shot and set in Miami, this is exactly the raw deal faced by Taharai, a half-woman, half-spider (err...spyder?) hybrid from the Amazon.

So if you've always wanted to like "Skinemax," but felt that the plot and the sex scenes would get in the way, have we got the movie for you!

Here's the trailer:

"Mario...get the darts!"

The movie is based on a novel by Teresita "Angela" Terga. Or should we say two novels. Though the novels have yet to be published, there is this description on Terga's website:

"There are two versions of Spiderwoman Taharai. One is dystopian in which the tale of Taharai is told in the future when the survivors are building a neo world based on the principles of Shambala. The non-dystopian version only tells the story of Taharai."

The closest we could come to tracking down a copy of the novel(s) is issue one of Kill of the Spyderwoman, an erotic comic book from 1995 that probably has little to do with this particular motion picture:

So, on which version of the novel is the film based? Let's look for signs of dystopia in the trailer:

Nothing definitive yet. The trailer isn't clear on if this guy has just dropped on his foot the abundant rations provided to him each week by a caring utopian state or if he is being hunted down by a bloodthirsty beast in heels like whoa.

Who knows where Spyderwoman got this bloody piece of meat or what she plans to do with it? Eat it? Give it to the hungry? Either way, George Bernard Shaw once asked, "While we ourselves are the living graves of murdered beasts, how can we expect any ideal conditions on this earth?"

This FBI person (she has a badge and everything) is showing where the Spyderwoman's victims were found. As if traffic on the causeways weren't bad enough already.

There's a separate five-minute teaser of the film that shows a creepy club dude unbuckling his belt while grinding behind Sypderwoman, who, expressionless of face, is bent over a couch. And in this scene, all she ranks is a passionless, closed mouth kiss. No wonder she is hesitant; her kisses, we learn from the description on YouTube, can kill.

Oh, there are also vampires in this movie for some reason. Vampires are pretty cool so this probably isn't based on the dystopian version of the novel.

All we've seen of Spyderwoman so far are the assorted trailers and shorts available on its website. A screening of the film, however, will take place on Friday, June 28 at 8 p.m. in the American Legion Hall (6445 NE 7th Ave., Miami). Admission is free, as is self parking, and there will complimentary refreshments by Leblon, a Brazilian liquor that very well might seduce and kill your sobriety like a spyderwoman.

But what we do know from those online videos is that Spyderwoman has something for everyone, even foot fetishists. While the Spyderwoman does not have eight feet, she does have a sponsorship deal with Shoe Delight -- a shoe store in Fort Lauderdale that, no matter what the Internet says, is not closed -- provider of Spyderwoman's delightful shoe fashions:

Bonus: want to see Spyderwoman go shopping for purses? Here you go!

Visit spyderwomanthemovie.net.

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