Spread a Little New Year's Hate: Five Resolutions You Won't Mind Not Keeping

By now, the whole New Year's resolution thing is so played out that the only thing more tired than talking about resolutions is talking about how tired you are about talking about resolutions. Even so, it's important to look to forward. This is the only time where as a society we collectively look to the upcoming year and say, "we could use to lose some weight next year."

Resolutions just aren't cutting it anymore. We're fatter, less healthy, and the only reason we are smoking less is that packs cost $8 (not including trusty Broncos). We are the living embodiment of Cat's in the Cradle with regard to spending time with family.  With that in mind we're changing things up with this post. Here are five ways sure to make your situation worse in the New Year. Let's call them New Year's vacillations, and don't be afraid to waver on them, instead of being resolute. We're pretty sure this doesn't make a lick of sense--kind of like playing reverse psychology with God--but, again, we're open to trying anything at this point.

1. Be Worse to Family and Friends.

Step up the game on how poorly you treat those you love. Instead of lame

excuses, go with brutal honesty and see where that gets you. For

example, instead of telling mom you haven't had a chance to drop by

cause work is so busy or you have a million errands to run just tell her

she bores you and you rather watch Reality TV.

2.  Watch More Reality TV

At Cultist we know the value of Reality TV. You might be killing

millions of brain cells watching 30-minute repeats of the Housewives Of Who

Gives a Fuck, but at least it numbs you to the reality of your life.

This comes with an added bonus of keeping our attention at Cultist

firmly rooted in all things Bravo, Oxygen, or VH1 and is sure to hasten

the End of Times.

3.  Be Mean Spirited to Your Fellow Man

Everybody seems to be doing it anyway, and really, it's the only thing

that distinguishes Miami from most other places. Don't smile and say

hello to a person walking down the street, instead cut people off in

traffic, don't let the old bag with a bottle of Metamucil take your

place in the line at Publix, and honk at the inconsiderate driver ahead

of you who is holding up traffic while giving pocket change to a bum (which is illegal, by the way).

At least you'll deserve what you've been getting.

4.  Eat Shit and See if You Die

What we mean is eat junk food, drink sugary energy drinks, and devour

red meat at every turn. And for God's Sake man, smoke. Smoke like the

wind. Note: Cultist and New Times officially wave all responsibility

over what happens to you, but we are interested to see if you make it to


5. Slack Off at Work

You're probably getting laid off or fired anyway, so stop trying so damn

hard. Embrace the slacker in you and find ways to be lazy with aplomb.

Consider this post inspiration.

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Sebastian del Mármol