Hey, Miami has a professional soccer team! Calm down — you didn’t lose two years to the Ambien your dealer tricked you with again. No, David Beckham and his team haven’t moved into their inflatable stadium floating above the ruins of pre-flood downtown. This week, Miami United FC begins its third season with a home opener against the Tampa Marauders at Ted Hendricks Stadium in Milander Park (4800 Palm Ave., Hialeah). Unlike what you might have accidentally seen on television, soccer isn’t just a game played until baseball comes on. In the case of Miami United, the players compose a hunky collective of homegrown studs and talent from international leagues (many of whom speak so little English that you can project whichever fantasy personalities on them you like). Miami United players have such juicy thighs that these guys could have been factory-farmed. But if that’s not enough to foul you in your penalty area, the players regularly work with Hope for Autism, a local team of autistic youths. We know very little about the Tampa Marauders, Miami United’s opponents this Sunday, but they are almost certainly hideous mutants who, if they hang out with children at all, hope to one day harvest their young, tender organs. Kickoff is at 7 p.m. Tickets, which cost $5 for general and $10 for VIP, are available at the stadium box office or miamiunitedsoccer.com.
Sun., May 4, 7 p.m., 2014