photo via tiswango Flckr

Slutty Halloween Costumes for the Thinking Woman

OK, ladies, we get it. Halloween is the one time of the year when you can dress like a hooker and actually get insulted when someone offers you money for sex. It's all good. You're entitled to express your sexuality any way you see fit. The only thing is, with men busting out with costumes that revolve around




, and uh,

whatever this is

, why are slut-o-weeners sticking to the same tired themes? Sexy cops, nurses, librarians, pirates, school girls = boring!

Here on Cultist, we urge women who enjoy utilizing their socially accepted, once-a-year, whorey-whorey-ho card to be a bit more imaginative. So, here's ten challenging costume ideas for the suggestive set that, if done correctly, can be both risqué and ridiculously funny.

1. Sexy Bea Arthur

Many have pondered Bea's true gender for years. So throw on your best long, ill-fitting vest over your best long, ill-fitting jacket, over your best long ill-fitting low-cut blouse, push up your


(we suggest covering your boobs with painted-on liver spots for authenticity) and let her femininity be known!

2. Sexy Chewbacca

Via Official Star Wars Blog's Flckr

Any girl that can pull off releasing long, gurgling growls while sporting a bare mid-drift, full beard, and hairy chest, butt, pit, and everywhere hair is pretty sizzling. Actually, lots of

Star Wars

characters (Yoda, R2D2, Jabba the Hutt) can be pretty entertaining if they were sexualized. Except for Princess Leia when she rocks her slave outfit. That's just too easy, plus, how could it ever be funny?

Via Official Star Wars Blog's Flckr

We stand corrected.

3. Sexy Hairless Pussy

Hey, get you're mind out of the gutter! We're not suggesting that you dress up as a painful south-of-the-boarder waxing style. We're talking about actual follicle-free felines. And there's no denying that hairless cats are frightening. Case in point:

Via Quinton Moran's Flckr

May we suggest wearing a flesh-tone bustier and having a drunk friend glue cotton balls all over your body to represent, uh, well, hmmm....yeah:

Via k.steudel's Flckr
4. Sexy Tampon
Via Stinkie Pinkie's Flckr

To a man, a tampon is the scariest thing on earth. And by dressing as one you're actually celebrating the true joy of Halloween. No, not indulging in fear. We're talking about finding out you're


pregnant after you got smashed and hooked up with the White Power Ranger on October 31. Or, if dressing like a giant Tampax is too embarrassing or repulsive for you to handle, you can always just dress up as Spencer Pratt. Or Mel Gibson. Tampon, John Mayer, same thing.

5. Sexy Dora the Explorer

Via reynolds.james.e's Flckr

With Halloween costumes available for little girls that look like




, we think it's only fair to sexually objectify lil' Dora. Hey, those protuberant brats are inching in on our territory. And besides, it'll probably lure Lolita-lusting pervs away from jailbait and into your bedroom. Think of it as doing your good deed for the day.

6. Sexy Ghost

Via celebdu's Flckr

This one's for a skank on a budget. Just throw an old sheet over your head and instead of cutting two slots near your eyes, just cut one big one over your cleavage. Who needs to see when you have a great rack?

7. Sexy Giant Purple Squid
We know, this one sounds impossible. But this chick can use all the help in the world:

Via carrie_gates's Flckr
8. Sexy Hobo
Via twid's Flckr

Might we suggest giving this costume a Beverly Hill's socialite twist? We're thinking a plastic tiara atop of a lice-infested hair, a tiny, stray mutt inside of a plastic grocery bag, and being able to flash your lady bits when you get out of your cardboard box because you're not wearing any pants in the first place. I think they call it Boho Chic.

9. Sexy Freddy Krueger

Razor fingers? Flesh melted by fire? A cheesy sweater that's been haunting our dreams since 1984? It'd take a lot of imagination to make a monster like Freddy sexy:

Via greyloch's Flckr

Or a complete lack there of....

10. Sexy Gloria Steinem

Are we actually suggesting turning a respected feminist icon - and vehement critic of pornography - into a cheap floozy for the sake of a joke? You betcha! Taking note from Steinem's 1963 article in which she went undercover as a cocktail waitress at the Playboy Club in Manhattan, we suggest just dressing up as....Wow. You ladies are already on top of it!

Via Stinkie Pinkie's Flckr

Yay for women's lib!

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.