Sports

Six Reasons Miami Needs an Ultimate Taser Ball League

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Douchebags
Watch the video above. Clearly, taser ball isn't about the tasers. It's about the douchebags getting tased. And when it comes to douchebags, Miami out-bros any other city in America. Douchebags would be Miami's number one export, if only we could get them to leave. But since we can't, this is the next best thing.

Soccer
With its diverse, international population, Miami might just love soccer more than any other U.S. city. Taser ball is just like soccer -- teams compete to put a black-and-white checked ball into their opponents' net -- but with tasers. If we put it on tv, we could call it The Soccer-Playing Douchebag Electrocution Show. Don't even pretend you wouldn't watch that.

The Economy
Y'know who wasn't named the most miserable city in America this year? L.A., Philly, Toronto, or San Diego. Those also happen to be cities with UTB franchises. Coincidence? We think not.

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Ciara LaVelle is New Times' former arts and culture editor. She earned her BS in journalism at Boston University and moved to Florida in 2004. She joined New Times' staff in 2011.
Contact: Ciara LaVelle