Film & TV

Six People We Would Cast in South Florida's Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad,  the third installment of the DC Extended Universe series, hits theaters this weekend; and we're super-pumped (crappy reviews be damned!). So pumped, in fact, that we decided play the part of the film's secret government agency and create our own antihero team made up entirely of South Florida people.

Just like the Suicide Squad of comic book and big-screen fame; we aren't looking for Captain America here. No, we need a group of people with a particular set of skills that are brave (and sinister) enough to take on a potential kamikaze mission, while also expendable enough that we don't mind firing them off into the sun.

If the city were in danger, these are the Miami supervillains we would choose to carry out black ops missions that would keep us all safe. 
Rick Scott
Superpower: Laser-shooting-face-melting-eyes 

A South Florida Suicide Squad is obviously a fictional scenario. But honestly, we aren't 100 percent sure Rick Scott doesn't live a second secret supervillian life. When Scott isn't busy running political hit ads on women he met at Starbucks, scoffing at the notion of climate change, considering allowing cancer-causing chemicals to make its way into our water supply, or supporting Donald Trump in his campaign to destroy the United States of America, he's a pretty cool cat. Everything in that last sentence is true but the last part; you owe us, Rick Scott. 

If South Florida is ever in serious danger, Rick Scott should be the first person to volunteer to jump in front of whatever train that is heading right for us. 

Miami Marlins President David Samson and Owner Jefferey Loria 
Conniving negotiation tactics 

If there were a couple of villains who needed to step up and save the city of Miami in exchange for clemency, it's this duo. Between bamboozling Dade County out of billions to build them a new ballpark, and wasting decades between fielding a team that has even a remote chance to win, we're pretty comfortable about taking our chances that these two never come back. If they could somehow contribute to saving South Florida, well, we just might forgive them for trading Miguel Cabrera to the Detroit Tigers for a handful of wasabi almonds and a Ninja blender. 

Marco Rubio 
Superpower: Invisibility  

According to GovTrack, from March 2015 through March 2016, Rubio missed 77 of 263 roll call votes. But what if Rubio was actually there; it's just that he was counted as absent because he's.... invisible! Did I just blow your mind? Marco is a supervillian; confirmed. 

Between his failed Presidential bid, and his recent flip-flopping that saw him go from selling #NeverTrump yoga pants to announcing he will vote for Trump this fall, Rubio owes us one. He has proven time and time again that he has no spine, so putting it all on the line to save our lives would no doubt wipe his slate clean. 

Donald Trump 
: He has the best superpowers, believe him, folks 

What can be said about Donald Trump that hasn't already been said? Aside, of course, from "he's a supervillian who should risk his life to save the city of Miami" — we haven't seen that said on CNN. (Yet.) No matter how you feel about Trump, you have to admit along the way he's stepped on a lot of little people's heads to get where he is. He's been a major train wreck lately (well, more than usual), with his lashing out at the parents of dead soldiers, and fighting with babies. So there is no better time than right now for him to wipe the slate clean with his tiny hands and do some good. 

The Donald should have to take on this mission before he takes over running America; it should be a requirement. Undoubtedly, if you ask him, he will tell you that he alone can save South Florida from destruction. Let's make him prove it. Sure, we'd all be screwed, but at least we would see the demise of Donald before dying our own fiery deaths. 

Pam Bondi 
: Everything she touches turns to ice 

Watching CNN’s Anderson Cooper humiliate Pam Bondi on national television for her hypocritical faux support of the Orlando Pulse nightclub victims and their families made us realize just how much we dislike the current Florida Attorney General. Bondi has been criticized for being heartless, so what better way to make up for her past deeds than to help save the city of Miami from impending doom? 

Pam Bondi is the supervillian we need in this fiction scenario, especially if it has anything to do with global warming. Her cold-as-death touch could just be the thing that saves South Florida, or for that matter, all of planet Earth. (Let's just hope the world's survival doesn't hinge on her touching an actual gay person.) 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi