Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney released his tax returns this morning, the result of a long and whiny campaign by his opponents to counter his "I'm just an average dude" stance. Unsurprisingly, the documents show an income of $45 million, with $3 million paid in taxes and gifts of over $4 million to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Our reaction: Yawn. It's all exactly as we'd expected: big Mormon donations, even bigger wealth, and a tax rate that's as low as it can get without crossing any legal lines. We wouldn't have expected anything less from the wholesome, lifelike robot that is Romney.
If you're gonna demand to know the details of someone's financials, you better have a pretty good reason. So we're calling for the immediate release of the following celebrities' tax documents -- all for the sake of entertainment.
The man is Rich Forever, after all. We're sure the exact details of The Boss's income and expenditures are fascinating. But mostly, we just want to know: Does he write off "making it rain" as a business expense?
If you're out to catch a dirty politician in the act, why on earth would you start in Massachusetts? Florida's got the other 49 states beat when it comes to corruption. Our governor already has a long list of dirty deeds that he's done publicly -- who knows what secrets you'd find in his private finances.
The girl's running around complaining about what a terrible business decision her failed wedding was. Really? Prove it. If your tax documents show that you lost money on that 72-day farce, we will eat our hats. (Note: Our hats are made of delicious bacon.)
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The man who led the quest for Obama's birth certificate deserves a taste of his own medicine. But we're willing to forgive him for that if we discover he claimed Gary Busey as a dependent.
Y'know how the happiest, smiliest people are always the ones with bodies hidden in the basement? If we looked a little deeper into Britto's finances, tax fraud might be the least awful thing we'd find.
We imagine that Ron Paul's tax returns might look a lot like Ron Swanson's. Where's the gold hidden, little man?