Great news, spinsters, VH1's Tough Love is back! Premiering at 9 p.m. on July 10th, the reality show centers around a batch of relationship-challenged women who go to a "Tough Love Boot Camp" where Steve Ward tells them all about themselves in a bad way.
And for Tough Love's third season, the boot campers are headed down to the 305. And why Miami? Apparently these women are in need of 30-something-year old men who drive Honda Civics, live with their moms, and like to drop words like "pero", "dale", and "bro" arbitrarily into any conversation.
And although we're not sure why VH1 producers want to film in this most magical of cities, we do know one thing -- this show loves to hump all over female stereotypes. So we decided to take six local, single ladies and slap them with a Steve Ward lady-tags:
If you've never seen the show, it basically centers around the idea that
all women can easily be dumped into some kind of one-dimensional
archetype of crazy, like "Miss Gold Digger" and "Miss Bridezilla." Then once Ward has labeled them, he teaches them how to not repeal men
with their batshit ways. And although the idea of a dude giving girls
advice on understanding dudes makes complete sense, the chick cliches
used on Tough Love are ridiculous.
Women, or people in general,
are all complex creatures. You'd think that a network that brought you
Emmy-snubbed shows like Rock of Love Bus, The Surreal Life (remember when Mini-Me drunkenly peed in the corner in his wheelchair? Aww, precious memories) and I Love the 90s only four years out of that decade, would be above this kind of sexism.
But they're not. And neither are we.
Miss Runaway Bride: Anna Kournikova
Local Anna Kournikova has always been fishy about the whole marriage thing. Maybe she really values her privacy. Or maybe she comes from Goldie Hawn's school of I Don't Need No Stinking Paper to Keep My Man. Or maybe she's just holding out until everyone can legally get married. Who knows, but whatever it is it doesn't change the fact that she was super secretive about her possible marriage to fellow Russian, hockey player Pavel Bure back in 2001, and when it comes to speaking publicly about whether or not she's married to long-time beau Enrique Iglesias, both give strange answers alluding to divorce or having zero interest in marriage. You know, maybe Anna is actually a Bridezilla and she's just waiting until she can get clearance to have her fantasy wedding on the moon, that way although an American beat them to the giant floating rock, a Russian was the first to wed on it.
Miss Gold Digger: Adriana De Moura-Sidi
If you watch any episode of the Real Housewives of Miami, chances are you'll catch a scene of Adrianna complaining about money or trying to figure out whether or not she sincerely loves her wealthy fiance Fredrick. But we get her dilemma -- getting your hair and makeup done for 3094830284039 gazillion hours costs $$$$.
Miss Body Issues: Brooke Hogan
Before we knew what a Khloe Kardashian was, there was Brooke Hogan. And we'll say it right here, yeah, Brooke's a big girl but you can't deny that she's also a really pretty girl who, as much as everyone wants to trash her, looks more like you and the people you know than any Kim, Megan, Angelina, or Scarlet. And we're brutal to her, for no reason. I mean, the girl needs to do crap like this:
Just to prove to herself that she is attractive. And Brooke, you are, now take the tiny Sad Keanu off of your leg and put on some pants.
Miss Party Girl: Kat Stacks
Uh, this one really is a stereotype of batsht crazy party girl. Is Tough Love Miami still auditioning?
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Little Miss Perfect: Cristy Rice
On the second episode of The Real Housewives of Miami, Cristy invites the girls over for a Cuban lunch, which apparently means wear a shirt that says "I Love Cuba", invite over an annoying TV personality over, throw some arroz con pollo in a crock pot and call it a day. As the gals lunch on Cristy's tennis court that her ex husband paid for, Adriana's phone rings. Apparently she forgot to pick up her kid from school. She calls her fiance and tells him to pick up her son her for. Although her fiance is working, Adriana's lunching! Priorities! Adriana's man gets annoyed and hangs up on her face. Cristy observes, does a lot of neck-jerking, and reveals that if a man wants to be with her, HER WORD IS GOD. End of story. She is perfect. Just look at her abs!
Miss Work Obsessed: Elsa Patton
And by work, we don't mean crunching numbers, marrying gringos, stealing flowers, drinking cheap wine, or witch craft. We're talking the kind of work as in she's had some work done.