Can you hear it? The rhythmic chugging, the clanking on the tracks, the screech of a frost-covered whistle?
That's the Silver Bullet, and it's coming to Miami.
Yesterday, we reported that MillerCoors, which brings the world such boozy swill as Miller, Coors, and Corona beers, is moving its Latin American headquarters to the 305. We immediately had visions of frolicking in fountains of frosty brews -- or at least getting hammered for cheap.
Then we learned that the beer's not actually being produced here; it'll just be a team of salesmen and other corporate types operating out of an office in Brickell. But no matter. If the beers' commercials have taught us anything, it's that the lifestyle of the beer drinker is filled with bikini-clad chicks, impossible sports feats, and bromance galore. And with the headquarters of a major beer company in Miami, that's gotta rub off on this town a little, right? So here are a few improvements we expect to see as soon as MillerCoors sets up shop.
Great taste? Less filling? Neither, actually -- MillerCoors' beers are mostly flavorless swill that'll leave you feeling bloated for days. Unless you're a hot chick, in which case you'll be compelled to strip down to your sexy lingerie for a cement brawl with a fellow model. While we all watch. Carry on.
Delivery Guy Smackdowns
We love you, Miami, but sometimes it feels like it's us against a sea of over-tanned, crunchy-haired jerk-faces with sparkly skulls on their shirts. Y'know who's not having any of that? The Miller High Life Delivery Guy. The douchebags at LIV won't even know what hit 'em.
They say everybody has a doppelganger somewhere in the world. And when MillerCoors comes to town, so will all of ours. We'll all come together at SunLife Stadium to hoist a cold Coors in the stands and celebrate togetherness and sport and manly grilled meats. And, of course, twins.
Silver Bullet Station
Picture this: It's Miami in August, and you're outside waiting for the metro mover. The torrential downpour of the day hasn't yet passed, so the air's still stuffed with humidity, and there's not a cloud in the sky to mitigate the sun's oppressive rays. Then, miraculously, the guy next to you cracks open a Coors Light. Voila! Suddenly, you're dancing to the O'Jays in frosty comfort as snow falls. People all over Miami, join in.
Don't you just hate it when the shitty music at your rooftop party gets overpowered by the shitty music at your neighbor's rooftop party? Thankfully, with MillerCoors' arrival, this problem will be a thing of the past. Clearly, corporate clientele will include classes for Miami DJs in long-distance sound mixing, as well as anger management.
Peace and Quiet
The only peace you're likely to have after drinking most beers is your own sick slumber after you've passed out in the bathroom in your own bodily fluids. Unless you're drinking Corona, that is. In commercials, the magical Mexican beer can turn any situation into a serene, beachy paradise. And since Miami is already a beachy paradise, we can't wait to see the upgrades we get when we grab a cold one out of the bucket.
So welcome, MillerCoors -- clearly, you'll be making Miami a better place. Now, if only the Budweiser corporation would set up shop here, so we can get ourselves some talking frogs.
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