Discovery Channel's Shark Week, everybody's favorite
midsummer TV party, began its yearly run last night, and we couldn't be more
excited. For one week, the majestic and vicious kings of the ocean give us a much-needed
break from the reruns that usually dominate the August airwaves.
What could be
better? That's right, adding booze to the mix. Below, we've complied the
ultimate Shark Week drinking game, so check out the schedule, invite over some
friends, and bottoms up.
1. If anybody throughout the duration of Shark Week makes a
reference to the Sharks and the Jets from the classic musical West Side
Story, make them take two shots and ask when they are going to get a real job
instead of sleeping on your couch waiting for their next regional theater gig.
2. If Shark Week features someone who was swallowed whole by a
shark, remind your fellow partygoers of the story of Jonah and the Whale and
make them take a shot. (Note: You probably don't have any "fellow partygoers" or friends because you're the kind of asshole who brings up Bible stories at a
3. Finish your drinks if any of Jimmy Buffett's songs featuring
sharks are used as background music during the week's programming. Lament the
fact that thousands of people have been killed in shark attacks while Buffett has his own very successful line of
4. Make anybody who brags about having seen a shark in the
ocean and not being scared by it finish their drink. Then have them build a
raft and march them into the sea to live among the sharks they are so goddamn
5. Remember Deep Blue Sea? Wasn't that movie badass? Why don't
they put LL Cool J and Samuel L. Jackson in more movies together? Finish your
drink and add the film to the top of your Netflix instant queue. Also watch
6. If someone tries to discuss the inner workings of the San
Jose Sharks hockey franchise, make them finish their beer, which will likely be
a Molson because you are in Canada, the only place where spontaneous hockey
discussions occur. Be sure to ask about the free health care.
7. When a person who survived having a limb torn off by a shark is interviewed, the last person to declare whether or not they would have sex with that person has to take two shots and search the Internet to see if amputee porn exists (it totally does).
8. If you bring up that maybe it's man and not shark that is the real monster for ruining the sharks' natural habitat, don't take any shots.
You are already drunk off your own smug sense of self-satisfaction.
9. When Shark Week host Andy Samberg is on screen, take a shot
and have the same argument about "who's ruining Saturday Night Live" that
people have been having since 1980.
10. Through your drunken haze, if you realize that all of these
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shark documentaries eventually get dull and repetitive, finish all of your booze
and just put on Jaws and repeat, "You're going need a bigger boat."