Miami is the hottest thing to emerge from a swamp since Jennifer Lopez in Anaconda. The city's friendly neighbor Doral just hosted 88 of the world's hottest women for the Miss Universe Pageant. Beacons of hotness Debbie Harry and Eva Mendes are natives.
In short, Miami is hot. But a lot of locals and outsiders forget the cool stuff this town is known for as well. Miami Beach has the largest collection of art deco architecture in the world. The city of Miami is the only major metro area in the United States to be planned by a woman (sup, Julia Tuttle!). Miami Beach pharmacist Benjamin Green invented the first suntan cream in 1944. So why does the 305 produce such mixed feelings from visitors?
Well, Miami has been called rude. A lot.
But for transplants — newbies attempting to make the Magic City their home — maybe there are a few things Miamians could improve upon or maybe give up altogether.
7. Leaving shopping carts EVERYWHERE
Is this Miami's large-scale experiment with "found art" objects? Is there some kooky installation responsible for all of those displaced carts blocking parking spots and sitting lonely on medians? That's a nice thought, but mind-boggling laziness is the most likely culprit.
6. Parking like assholes
Maybe your beautiful baby deserves two and a half parking spaces. Why shouldn't your favorite toy get some breathing room? Well, dude, it's because you share the road with us peasants. Suck it up and be decent.
5. Road raging
"Road rage is a way of life here, bro... Oh my God, I have the WORST road rage — it's crazy." How is this a bragging point? The rage is a widespread virus, unfortunately, and no one is safe. Muscled dudes will try to clip you, old ladies will shake their fists, and that marketing major on her cell will huff and shriek even as she almost causes a pileup.
4. Being way too type A at the grocery check-out
You would think those plastic dividers were coke-filled party sticks. Everyone is clawing for one, and good God, the looks you'll get if you inadvertently block them. Pop a Xanax and chill out, shoppers. No one is gonna take your groceries.
3. Pretending your pit bull isn't a pit bull
Come on, that's not a "bulldog mix." Most people new to town have no idea about the Miami-Dade pit bull ban. So when dog lovers start gushing over your precious pit, it's weird and a bit insulting when owners insist you're wrong and that beautiful boxy dog is a different breed.
2. Going to the Seaquarium and the circus and buying dogs from puppy mills
At this point, isn't it just in terrible taste? Blackfish and recent protests have shed light on Lolita the captive orca's plight at Miami Seaquarium, and the Miami Dolphins won't renew their contract with SeaWorld come March. Ringling Bros. keeps bringing its animal parade to town regardless of the controversy, and though a six-month ban on puppy sales is in place, it doesn't affect any stores already selling them. It's ultimately up to consumers and the public to ramp up the animal kindness. Miami is already one of the most dog-friendly places in the nation — just gotta spread the love.
1. Posting beach photos in the dead of winter
It's just mean. On the flip side, who wouldn't want to brag about Miami's gorgeous weather? It's sunny with temps in the 70s. But your friends up north are layering their dry skin with wool and cursing your existence. If you can't help but post photos, show some mercy and don't tag anyone. #Cruel.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.