We were shocked to find out the Miami Heat are recycling theirWhite Hot Heat
theme going into the 2011 playoffs. Sure, it worked in 2006 and helped get us our first NBA title, but that was five years ago. This is a new team. A legitimate juggernaut. The team was brazen enough to spend over $300 million to lure the Big Three to Miami but they can't pull together a new theme, jingle, or gimmick heading into crunch time? What the hell is going on?
No matter. Cultist is here. We decided to put some bad blood between us and the Heat aside and came up with 7 slogans, themes, songs, or props that fans can rally behind starting with tomorrow's playoff opener against the Philadelphia Sixers. Check them out:
7. Terrible Tissue
Heard of the Terrible Towel in Pittsburgh? Well, Miami can one up the
Steel City (too bad they don't have a basketball team) with the Terrible
Tissue. Just like with the towel, the tissue can be waved by rabid fans. But this is better because it's biodegradable and shows the team's commitment to
green initiatives. Plus, should the team lose and start crying
like babies again, they'll have plenty of tissues to wipe those ole big
teardrops with. Poor babies!
6. White Hot Hate
Admittedly, this isn't too different than White Hot Heat but it does
integrate the popular t-shirts pedaled by a Miami company's Don't Hate
line. Not sure how it makes sense exactly, but it might confuse
opponents as they think about it and add to our victory margins.
5. The Heatles Playoff Tour
The public spectacle created as the team traveled across the
country had some calling them the Heatles. LeBron would be John, DWade
would be Paul, Bosh would be George, and Erik Spoelstra would be Ringo.
4. Come and Get Us Bitches!
It's crass, we know, but emblematic of how the whole season has gone.
With the playoffs starting up we're sure the level of vitriol from the
rest of the country will amp up like early in the season. That's alright.
We welcome the hate. We're from Miami after all, we're used to it!
3. Playoffs 2011: Taking Our Talents to La Saguesera
It's just as random as LeBron's famous, "I'm taking my talents to South
Beach" line. Actually, this is more accurate since La Saguesera is
actually closer to American Airlines Arena than South Beach.
2. Playoffs 2011: The CircumDecision Continues
Stay with us on this one. This is a continuation of LeBron's
television debacle named "The Decision" last year. But this also appeals to the Heat's large Jewish fan base.
1. G-L-O-R-I-A (James)
An homage to LeBron's troublemaking mother, Gloria.
Picture this: DJ Irie spins a track of Van Morrison's classic "Gloria "
song with the whole crowd singing along until they culminate with the
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famous chorus, G-L-O-R-I-A. This would be especially useful against
Boston, since Celtic guard Delonte West was alleged to have had a dalliance with Gloria. We're not saying he did. But it would be
distracting (although maybe more so for LeBron than anybody).