Screw It! Let's Have a Miami Heat Parade Anyway

Uh, well, there's been an update to that parade-route post that some lout came up with on this blog last week. The Dallas Mavericks opened a Texas-size can of whoopass on the Miami Heat last night and stole what was rightfully ours, if by rightfully we mean we didn't really deserve to win. So we think we should rethink things a bit. Not the parade. No, that stays. The only thing that needs some changing is the route.

We figure if the Miami Herald and Macy's are going to run ads congratulating the Heat, it still makes sense to have our parade. We deserve it, if by deserve we mean that our mildly interested fan base would have enjoyed another NBA trophy as much as getting all green lights on the way home from work. Read on for the updated parade route:

5. Under Bridges Where Sexual Predators and Mark Cuban Hang Out
Potato Head Cuban says the Dallas fans "punked the shit" out of Miami Heat fans. Really? Not sure what's worse: that Cuban has so little grace in victory that he goes after not the Heat players or the organization or even the league (which he thinks stole a championship from Dallas in 2006) but Miami fans (we think they'd be insulted if Miami fans even knew who Cuban was). Or that he used a phrase that (1) Went out of style years ago, (2) should never be uttered by a white person, especially a rich white person, and (3) ruined the little class he showed throughout the series by keeping his pie hole shut.

4. Miami Christian Academy, 200 MCS Victors Way
We made fun of J.J. Barea last week, saying his shot was missing and that he should go by his old high school to find it. Well, he found it. And we're not too full of ourselves to admit we were wrong. No matter what anybody says, no matter how good Dirk Nowitzki or that turd Jason Terry were, Barea won the series for Dallas. That little shrimp cooked our asses. He played high school ball in Miami, so it lessons the sting, just a little. But don't let us cross you on the street, Barea, because you'll still get a double helping of the bird from us. 

3. LIV Nightclub, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach
Last week we wanted to stop by the club to see LeBron's mama Gloria and beat up more valets. This week we're hoping to catch some Mavericks players still celebrating. Say what you want, but usually players fly home after they win a championship in a visiting city. But when you win a championship in Miami, you stay at least the night to party right. Pretty sure the Heat players didn't stay in Dallas when they won the championship in that city in 2006, unless they felt like enjoying the all-night special at T.G.I.Fridays or Longhorn Steakhouse. Double burn! (Actually, Miamians are mobilizing to boycott LIV for letting those Mavs "raise the trophy" in "our city" and "our club." Follow @BoycottClubLIV. )

2. Dadeland Mall
It's only early June, but it's so damn hot. We just want a little free air conditioning. Plus we hear there's a kick-ass sale on all Heat-related merchandise at Champs.

1. Port of Miami

No, not for a cruise. We don't deserve a cruise. We want the entire city to get on those ramps that lead to the cruise ships. Only there will be no cruise ships. We'll simply walk, one by one, off the end of the gangplanks and into Biscayne Bay in a sort of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening suicidal parade. But the truth is, we'll just get a little wet, take a nice swim in our own filth, and get out of the water to do it all over again. We Miami -- that's just how we do!

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Sebastian del Mármol