Saved by the Break-Up: Celebutantes Better Off Without a Man

Photo by Glenn Francis of
Denise Richards, surviror of two and a half men.
There's a reason that there are so many tabloid magazines: we love

ourselves some celebrities. We love to learn about their clothes, hair, and lives in general --

but we especially enjoy obsessing over their love lives. Sometimes we think, how can there be that

much beautiful in one relationship?

And other times, we just set our clocks to countdown the relationships ending up in a big ol'flame war. In celebration of Elin Nordegren

getting away from that doucher Tiger, we look at some our fave stars who go out

of bad relationships and are better because of it (to say the least):

7. Shaunie O'Neal: If you don't recognize the name, well then you probably don't follow NBA or reality TV. Ms Shaunie was married to ultimate giant Shaquelle O'Neal and they have a gaggle of children together. If there is one thing you should know about her, it's how she ever bared his children because the girl is seriously a nugget. Nonetheless, she kicked his ass to the curb after apparently being cheated on multiple times with what she calls the "groupies of Miami." (One of which he apparently put up in the Flamingo--that's first class mistress treatment if you ask us.) Why she's better off: She walked away with a lump sum and has been seen gallivanting around the Gansevoort on multiple occasions in her white Range Rover with a hot man about 15 years her junior. AKA get it, girl.

6. Denise Richards: First off, she is super hot. Second, she did that really hot make-out scene with Neve Campell that made many boys hit puberty. And of course there's that whole reality show with her adorable tall-glass-of-water father and 143 pets. Sadly, many of us remember her for being fucking brain dead and marrying Charlie Sheen. Where did she that going? Everyone tells you, "You can't change a man." Maybe you can get him to start eating better, put down the toilet seat, or start folding some laundry once in a while. But one thing Denise taught us: It's really hard to end a man's love for cocaine and hookers. That is apparently a bond that is impossible to break -- especially if your name is Charlie Sheen.

5. Nicole Kidman: She's Australian, she has legs that gone on for days, and she can act the shit out any movie she is put in.  So we have to ask ourselves: What was she doing with Tom Cruise? But we have to remember when she let him put a ring on it: when Tom Cruise was TOM CRUISE. He was a hot piece of white chocolate and we all ignored the fact that he was the size of a hobbit, because he was that handsome. They adopted two kids and eventually called it quits. And for Kidman's sake: Thank God. What would have been in her future? Answer: Aliens, couch jumping, and a lot of yelling on the Today Show.

4. Kate Gosselin: Remember when that adorable little show came on the Discovery Health network called, Surviving Sextuplets and Twins? It was nice program about a couple and their eight children. Later, TLC picked it up to become, Jon and Kate Plus 8.  This is when things started to get juicy. It no longer became about the kids, but about how big of a bitch Kate was to Jon. But, then after the divorce, we slowly but surely learned: no wonder she was pissed all the time. Jon Gosselin is the herpes virus. If we had to deal with that little piece of Ed Hardy-wearing-mess 24/7 while dealing with eight children, we would be constantly angry too. The best part of their whole split: Who would have EVER thought the entire country would be Team Kate? Nobody, that's who.

3. Rihanna:  This Barbadian beauty came on the scene in 2005 with that song "S.O.S." and she has been part of our lives ever since. She's hot, her songs are booty shaking worthy, and when she got with Chris Brown, we all felt pretty good about it. Until he went all Ike Turner on our girl and we all deleted Chris off our iTunes pretty quickly. Why is she better off without him? Well, her music got super sexy and dark, and we're really loving her new sound. She also upgraded boyfriends to a baseball playing one. Yeah, Brown is cute and all, but doesn't he kinda look like a 12-year-old at the end of the day? Keep it up Ri Ri, and take some boxing classes while your at it. Better safe than bruised, right?

2. Sandra Bullock:  Why did it take her break-up for all of us to realize how much we loved her? The bitch is fierce: gorgeous, makes great movies, and calls Betty White one of her BFFs. And most of us can remember where we were when we found out she was with Jesse James. We didn't really get it, but she seemed happy, so maybe opposites do attract? Maybe they do, but what we really learned is that tattooed shit boxes are attracted to other tattooed shit boxes.  And at the end of the divorce, she got that adorable little baby bear and an Oscar, so do we even have to say who the winner is in this split?

1. Elin Nordegren: She's our winner for the most successful split for so many reasons: She and Tiger seemed like a great couple, but didn't we all think, what is that hot blond doing with that guy? He talks like Ferris Buller's teacher (Can't you hear it? Tiger Woods? Woods?) And yeah, he's great at golf and endorsing shit, but he is really best at having sex with about 100 different waitresses at one time. Thank God she beat that dick to the curb with a golf club (allegedly). She walks away with two cute babies, $100 million, and hopefully no STDs.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Stacey Russell
Contact: Stacey Russell