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Red Bull Flugtag 2013: Ranking Miami's Teams, From Fat Guys in Tights to Flying Manatees

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Miami's Red Bull Flugtag is fast approaching, and with all the teams officially in place, it's do or die time for wannabe flyers. From manatees to fat dudes in tights to moon-walking, these crews are covering all kinds of ground. And let's face it, no matter what flying contraptions take to the air on September 21, we'll all be endlessly entertained by their belly flops into the bay.

But to make things interesting (and possibly stoke some illegal wagering) here's our completely unofficial, completely arbitrary, completely baseless ranking of this year's local roster. In total, 33 teams will compete in Miami during Flugtag's five-city flight fest this year, but these six hail from the 305. Hometown pride, baby. Enjoy.

See also: Meet the Red Bull Flugtag Miami 2013 Teams: Manatees, Kangaroos, and a Tootsie's Tribute

JON: Fish Out Of Water

Fish don't do too well when out of water, so we're not sure this team name inspires much confidence. However, the crew does include an architect, experienced parade float builders, and fiercely competitive dudes who make bold claims about their ability to build a sky-worthy craft. Let's hope they don't follow in the failing footsteps of Miami's other fish: the Marlins.

Chances: Marginal. If the goldfish we've seen flopping on countertops is any indication, we're rather skeptical.

Captain Hook's Revenge

If Peter Pan grew up, he'd undoubtedly get old and fat like everyone else. Beer bellies are surely a thing in Neverland, too. And this crew is filling a flying pirate ship with, to quote team leader Victor Guedez, "A bunch of fat guys wearing tights, fighting with swords and making a fool of themselves." Well, we'll be entertained if nothing else.

Chances: Not so hot. Tights are terribly confining, so the lack of flexibility may hinder their skills in the sky.

See also: Red Bull Flugtag Miami 2012 at Bayfront Park

Manatee Grew Wings

Everyone loves a cuddly sea cow. And since we scarcely see them in the water (unless morons are riding them), at least we'll get to see one of these chubby cuties take to the skies. Mega Flugtag fan Dan Vesce designed a craft online in 2012 and won a contest to pilot a 7-11 Honorary Craft at last year's event, so this dude knows what he's doing.

Chances: Good. Manatees give us the warm fuzzies.

The Flying Panthers

These gents are positioning themselves as Don Juans of the heavens above. In their words: "To reach across the ocean and conquer the women we love, we must create a method for flying over it...or try to!" What chick wouldn't want a man who's willing to grow wings to win her? Bold guys, bold. If Flugtag groupies exist, we're pretty sure they'll be all about this crew.

Chances: Of getting laid? Damn good.

UM ASME: Enalpria, The Backwards Airplane

If past performance is any indication, these second placers from the 2010 Flugtag (and People's Choice Award winners) have a hell of a shot. Back then, they were all about Angry Birds. This year, the theme is crash test dummies.

Chances: Excellent. Not only are they seasoned vets, they hail from UM, and Canes are WINNERS.

The Flying Warhols

Miamians are Warhol-ics, so this team definitely knows how to play to their audience. As far as their plans, their strategy, their design -- they're being entirely cryptic. How very avant garde of them.

Chances: Questionable. Warhol may have been brilliant, but he was also kind of a whack job. And there's no way his crazy hair is aerodynamic.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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