Film & TV

Real Housewives of Miami's Season Two Trailer: Face Slapping, Crotch Play, and a Topless Adriana de Moura

See our predictions for the Real Housewives of Miami, Season Two.

This week, Bravo announced that the Real Housewives of Miami -- once presumed dead, but brought back to life by the grace of Andy Cohen and his Magical Elves -- would begin airing its second season September 13.

But you don't have to wait until then to get your RHoM fix. The network also released a three-minute teaser trailer for the upcoming season two. And it is, well, kind of glorious. If this is what we have to look forward to in the fall, consider us sold.

See the trailer, and our breakdown of the best bits, after the jump.

0:02: "Kiss my ring! And then you can kiss my ass, too." Yep, based on what we've seen, that gem of dialogue from Lea Black is the most appropriate way to open the new season.

0:07: Face slap!

0:09: The old "Preparation H reduces swelling" trick -- dispelled? Do you mean to tell us we've been rubbing ass cream on our faces all this time for nothing?

0:11: Topless Adriana de Moura! To be fair, when she told us at Fashion Week that she didn't plan on getting her booty out in season two, she never mentioned the girls up north.

0:15: Oh, the embarrassment of showing up to an event in the same outfit as someone else who's there. And double the embarrassment if that person is your mother. Times infinity if your mother is the terrifying Elsa Patton. Just go home, Marysol. You can't beat that.

0:19: WHY IS JOANNA KRUPA TEASING A DOG WITH HER CROTCH? And why does said crotch appear to be, uh, bushy? Is this some sort of post-Playboy rebellion?

0:25-0:30: Gorgeous Miami beaches. Gorgeous Miami mansions. "This house was built by boobs!" In more ways than one, honey.

0:30: All we want in the world is an animated GIF of the Housewives dancing in that club. One GIF to rule them all.

0:33 - 0:40: "These girls are ruthless!" "Everything goes on in Miami -- everything." "We all have egos." Just keep making Miami proud, ladies.

0:44: Ohh, music change. Here comes the deep, meaningful portion of the trailer. Just kidding! It's jealousy, girl-fighting, and relationship drama. It's hard being a Housewife, y'all.

1:05: Marysol Patton "got an invitation wrapped in an insult." From the look on Elsa's face, you can tell she's shocked! Or amused! Or drunk. Or asleep?

1:10: Joanna's man is making out with chicks at the club. It's probably just a revenge makeout to pay her back for coming on to that dog earlier, though.

1:26: "When there's an elephant in the room, introduce it!" We're pretty sure that's not how that saying goes, Lea.

1:38 - 1:43: Okay, watching Ana Quicoces get shut down at that dinner was actually genuinely funny. Gold star, producers.

1:44-1:46: Dramatic Miami skyline at night. Is Batman coming? It sounds like Batman is coming.

2:02: "Blondes do it better." Sir, you are in Miami, the nation's capitol of dark, sultry women. You watch your mouth.

2:04 - 2:09: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the pinnacle of your reality TV-watching lives up to this point: Elaine Lancaster and Elsa Patton having a fight about respect, with bonus unintelligible slurring by Elsa. You will want to watch this at least nine more times.

2:30: "People love Miami. But they don't love it because it's a fun place.... They love it because it's a very odd place." --Elsa Patton, unlikely voice of reason.

2:46: Inevitable scene involving someone getting pushed into a swimming pool.

2:59: Face slap! Aaaand, scene.

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Ciara LaVelle is New Times' former arts and culture editor. She earned her BS in journalism at Boston University and moved to Florida in 2004. She joined New Times' staff in 2011.
Contact: Ciara LaVelle