Film & TV

Real Housewives of Miami Season Two? Time for a New Cast

Miami, the city of sex and scandal, sure is a lame lay in the reality TV sack. We starfished it, (sex on your back, limbs sprawled, motionless) through sleeper series like Miami Social, Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami, the most boring season of Jersey Shore ever, Miami StInk, and 8th & Ocean, which made The Hill's seem riveting in comparison. So, why is there a rumor swirling around the interwebs that Bravo's attempting a second season of the Real Housewives of Miami?

Did someone (coughcoughELSAPATTONcough) sacrifice a shape-shifting unicorn and then shower the offering in paper flowers thus causing Andy Cohen to go batshit crazy? We think so.

Word on the street is that the original casting agents and producers of the first season have been canned and Bravo's bringing in their own team. So, re-casting will most likely be a go. Which Miami ladies will they keep and which will feel the blade of an axe? No idea. But here's our wish list.

Cast Members They Should Keep:

She's a spicy, gold-digging Brazilian who enjoys people taking pictures of her crotch and arbitrarily accusing fellow cast mates of hooking up with their Zumba instructors. Really, what's not to like?

Although she was never a main cast member, she really should be. She was the Jiggy of the first season and has a face made by Mattel for reality TV. Plus, she wears muumuus.

Cast Mates They Should Nix and Their Replacements:

Axe: Larsa
: Trina
Every reality show needs an Iago, a shit-stir-er, a sociopathic mean girl if you will, and although Larsa's poopy personality inspired the beautiful montage of meanness played at the Live Reunion, don't you think a female Slip-N-Slide rapper who grew up in Liberty City, has a bumpy career, had unflatering nudes of herself leaked on the internet, and writes lyrics like "Eat me like Hannibal Lecter" is a tad more interesting than a bimbo who over uses the word "cute"? We mean, really, does Larsa's inner evil even compare to Da Baddest Bitch?

Axe: Alexia
Hire: Cristina Saralegui

They're both natural blondes (HA!), latina, and work in media. And although we truly appreciated watching Alexia's husband butcher a pig on television, the Hialeah-hater whose going to eventually give her son major eating issues, is small yuca in comparison to Latin America's equivalent of Jerry Springer Oprah.

Axe: Marysol
Hire: Ruhama Buni Canellis

Besides looking like a Koopa Troopa, making jokes about her own Botox, marrying someone she knew for a hot second so he could get a green card, and having the most awesome mother in the world, Marysol came off pretty well, which in reality television translates to boring.

If a woman who gets married for scandalous reasons is what Bravo is ordering, may we suggest Ruhama Buni Canellis, wife of Padre Alberto Cutié -- a former Catholic priest, radio and television personality, and straight up heathen! Cutié was received into the Episcopal Church in 2009 so he could knock the rosaries with his lady-love. Now that's what we call sinful.

Axe: Lea
Hire: Ingrid Casares

Sure, Lea dresses like an Alice in Wonderland/Lady Gage/Elton John hybrid on angel dust, is not Tinkerbell, holds grudges, and reads Rick Ross Goodnight Moon every night before beddy-bye, but the celebrity phone numbers listed in Lea's Rolodex are nothing in comparison to Ingrid Casares's. She's known most famously for being Madonna's best friend, sucking Madge's face in her Sex book, and is rumored to have murdered the friendship between Sandra Bernhard and the Material Girl.

Casares is considered by some to be a lesbian icon, and her sexual ambiguity would be refreshing in the overtly heterosexual Housewives franchise. Plus, she's also rumored to be friends with Tommy Mottola, Veronica Webb, Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci, Calvin Klein, k. d. lang, Russell Simmons, Heavy D., Ed Burns, Stephen Dorff, and Donald Trump -- trump that, Black!

Axe: Christy
Hire: Cynthia Rodriguez

We can't think of many positive things to say about Glen Rice's ex....except that Christy has really great MUCH smaller in size than Alexia...and likes Zumba a whole lot, so, may we suggest A-Rod's ex, Cynthia Rodriguez? She's not only built like the Incredible Hulk but was publicly scorned by Casares's BFF (imagine that subplot of drama) and also has to deal with her kids chilling with rom-com bimbos like Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz on the regular. Plus could you imagine C-Rod getting into a cat fight with Adriana? Now that's entertainment!

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Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel