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Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Two: The Official Drinking Game Has Arrived

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Well, episode two of RHOM has arrived and still no Mama Elsa. So essentially, it was a big waste of time. But maybe not completely....

First, however, we are met with Joanna and Romain's #FirstWorldProblems as they hit an all time high this evening. Miss Krupa is so very busy with her taxing lifestyle -- just from watching it, you might need a nap. She has had to turn down modeling offers, all to be with her hot fiancé who is buying her homes and Jaguars like she is an NFL rookie with her first paycheck. Life's hard for pretty people, huh? Joanna, if a man is making you breakfast and breaking out the black card, it might be OK to sign the prenup. Put your worries away and the pen to paper, girl.

Some things in life, you never recover from. A death in the family. Perhaps a bad break up. Maybe even that hangover from Saturday night that is still causing you to call in sick to work today. But for us, it might be Lisa's creepy photo shoot with her housekeeper, Daysy. Just when you think you are going to complain about your workday, thank Baby Jesus your boss didn't force you to put on a maid's costume, pose like a Tootsies daytime stripper, and then make her coffee afterward.

But hey, Daysy did get a free pair of boobs out of it. Maybe it's not that bad.

In truth, Hochstein has turned her eye on Daysy to forget about her real estate problems. No, she and her husband aren't being foreclosed on -- you're confusing the Hochsteins with the poor suckers from whom they bought their new house and then preceded to kick to the curb. Or in the words of Dr. Hochstein, get them out of "life in the ghetto." Get ready, sir: that comment will haunt you. And if the comments don't, the homes' ghost of Scarface past will. Just call Paula Deen -- she has plenty of advice when it comes to word vomit.

If you aren't a big believer in marriage, you should probably give up on watching this season here and now. Because if there is one theme surrounds these gals, it's whether or not Adriana has been married for the last five years. Well, we guess that isn't really a discussion. Thanks to our girl over at the Miami Herald, there is paper work proving she has.

Not big on the nuptials? No worries. We have a drinking game just for you. Every time you hear the word "wedding," "cake" or even "white," take a shot. RIP, your liver.

Speaking of special moments in life, last night brought us a de Moura vs. Black showdown. Before we knew it, Lea essentially told Adriana that she had been her unsexed sugar mama. Adriana turned that dig around with the accusation that Lea told the press about her marriage. In true Bravo fashion, this led to Miss de Moura fleeing the scene ... carless. Apparently, her vintage vehicle had broken down. (Be honest, Bravo producers: You sabotaged her ride, right?) Have you ever heard of anything sadder than standing in the rain waiting for a cab?

Oh wait, that's every Miamian's life story. Look, if we can get AAA to our house and our 2003 Chevy to the dealership in under an hour, what is Adriana's problem? Why didn't she just take that "yacht" of hers that she loves so much? If all else fails in her life, never borrow from Lea Black again. Also, never sell the boat. What can we say? That bougie boat is now a part of our lives and we are never turning back.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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