Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Three: Marriage With a Side of Murder

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Episode three of The Real Housewives of Miami features possibly the saddest thing since Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs. Pobre Adriana has to stand in the rain for a cab because her car is broken down. Plus, she's fighting with her best friend over a piece of paper, loans, and Bravo reunions. All you have there is a hot ass mess.

Lea is mad at Adriana. Adriana is mad at Lea. And all they both want to do is make analogies regarding how the storm is much like their relationship. See? They have something in common already! Progress.

See also: Smoking Hot Photos of Elsa Patton Before Real Housewives of Miami

Here's a quick analogy for you: We know a girl who models in NYC. Her apartment is paid for her, she travels constantly to the most beautiful places, and 99% of her boyfriends have a seven-figure salary. When she begins to speak of a "bad day," we quickly tune her out. Joanna Krupa has begun to have that same effect on us. Please don't talk about your relationship and sex woes while sitting VIP at the Sony Ericsson watching one of the best players in tennis. How about you just bone Romain right then and there? Hey, we would have. (Call us, Romain!)

If your heart is anything like ours, it's a tad cold, a little dark, and with very little sympathy to be given. On that note, congratulations Mrs. Lisa Hochstein! Even we can't help but shed a tear for you. Her trouble with infertility is nothing new, but somehow, it's still sad. Let's all just take a minute to say a little prayer that when her husband is "pounding her like a chicken cutlet" (her quote, not ours), a little Hochstein is made.

Perhaps you remember a little summertime hit called Pain & Gain with Mr. Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg. Apparently, its plot was very similar to the life story of Alexia's first husband, Peter Rosello Sr. But here is our question: how is this just coming to the surface now? Prison? Drug rings? Murder? Um, hello Andy Cohen, you had a gold mine on your hands and you let that slip by you. Bad Bravo, bad!

Like any good housewives, these ladies discuss their problems with booze. Hey, it really does bring sunshine to any rainy day. (Oh no, another weather reference!) You might be asking yourself: "How does a simple cocktail-infused girls' night go wrong?" These are housewives, hello.

In one corner, we have Lea and Alexia doing their best to hash it out over at South Street (RIP, favorite restaurant). In the other, Marysol and Adriana are discussing all that is Mama Elsa and beyond over champagne on Adriana's dock. From both convos, it's pretty obvious these bitches are over one another. So what is one to do? If you're Lisa, get them together at Baoli and immediately start pounding shots. It sounded like a great plan to us. To Lea, not so much. So she grabs her mile-sized bag and bounces.

Well, not before Joanna whips a copy of Adriana's marriage license out of her bag to show off to Lisa and Lea. Hey, some girls keep a lipstick and a cell phone in their clutches. For Joanna, no night is complete without some evidence. We like your style, Sherlock Holmes.

So, lets see. Next week there is talk of affairs, black magic, secret marriages, and a possible fight in the club. Truly those are four things we couldn't love more.

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