Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Six: Breaking Bad Edition

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With the end of Breaking Bad on its way, we've been thinking about crystal meth. Not actually going out and using the stuff, of course. But its symptoms are eerily similar to be behavior of the people on Bravo reality shows.

Think about it: The mania, the twitchiness, the weight loss, the paranoia? If it weren't for their perfect teeth, the Real Housewives would be DEA target number one.

Clearly, this proves that Bravo is a dangerous, addictive substance. But hey, we can quit anytime we want.

Speaking of potentially methed-out feelings, we've really begun to enjoy Lisa Hochstein. But y'know who doesn't? Her husband's family. And it's a huge mystery to Lisa of why her in-laws hate her. Maybe because she tells Mama Hochstein that she thinks she's annoying. Not behind her back -- straight to her Russian face. But hey, if our husband's madre forced us to eat weird Eastern European buffet meat, we might be bitter too.

Over on BET, Kevin Hart gives you Real Husbands of Hollywood. Next up for Andy Cohen's next project: Real Husbands of Miami. In what we are going to call Bravo history, one husband decided it's time to put an axe in the petty bullshit. "That is what all normal humans should do," you say? Don't we know it.

We aren't proud to say we watch all the Housewives franchises. Most of these ladies just fight and get drunk, but in the 305, they wives keep insisting on bringing their viewers to tears during programing. First Lisa and her fertility issues. Now, Alexia and Frankie's progress with rehab. Can we just have our pinot grigio and terrible TV without the tissues?

Last week, we said we wanted to be Lea Black. Now, we take it back. We want to be Joanna's sister, Marta Krupa. She goes from Joanna's "assistant" (aka sidekick) to Mario Andretti's sidepiece? Yes, please. And speaking of tears, Joanna first world problems are back once again. Her sister won't drop what she's doing and fly to LA with her. OK, it's not like the sister is doing much, but you never know. The worst thing about it all is that Miss Krupa being sad makes us sad. Pretty people crying is the worst.

Here's what we love about these housewives. You maybe get your drama from Instagram. Perhaps even the water cooler. These girls? They get it from the major media. Not just things in the media; their skeletons coming out in the headlines. In the beginning of the season, the Miami Herald broke the story that Adriana has been married, honestly, forever. Now, People Magazine is dropping the bomb that Lea's real name is Lisa and that she married Roy Black in a secret ceremony. Whatever.... We are bored.

Children that grow up in Miami are a weird breed. Please know we mean that in the best of ways, but here is why: only in Miami do kids hire their friends to be DJs. When it came time for a theme, Lea's son chose top hats, ties and guns. Perhaps we aren't down with the middle schoolers, but what tween wants an orchestra at his party? Is he way before his time, or a future serial killer?

And if he isn't a future murderer, we hope his mom's friends singing him happy birthday in front of his friends doesn't put him over the edge. TBD.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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