4

Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: Marriage, Martinis and How Miami Herald Ruins Lives

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Adriana de Moura, Joanna Krupa, Lea Black, Lisa Hochstein, and Alexia Echevarria. Did we ever think we would feel genuine concern about these five ladies' lives? Of course not. But we've gotta make a full-blown confession: we love the Real Housewives of Miami, and we aren't ashamed. Our ladies have three seasons under their belts, got a dramatic promo for the latest, which premiered last night, and it seems they aren't the black sheep of Bravo anymore. One small step for Miami, one big chunk of brain cells lost for all mankind.

Just in case you need a refresher, the show opened with a recap of season two in 1 minute or less. We can do it in five key moments:

1. Ana believes Lea got where she is today because of work she did on her back. If those diamonds are earned on your back, then our scoliosis is most definitely going to be acting up with the amount of work we plan on putting in.

2. The only mission going on in the House of Hochstein is Mission: Baby Making

3. Adriana and Lea= BFF. Or at least they were... stay tuned.

4. Romain and Joanna's problems are so #FirstWorld. Honestly, could they be better looking?

5. Mama Elsa is everything. The end.

As you may have noticed, Marysol Patton and Ana Quincoces have been cut from the credits. Yet, they both make appearances in the first ten minutes of airtime. Basically, they are in a on and off again relationship with the Real Housewives. But there is one lady who is fully back in action: Alexia, aka Cuban Barbie.

There's one more character, too -- one we couldn't help but notice didn't have a tag line. It's the Miami Herald. We mean, they are a center part of this show.

In season two, Karent "The Teeth" Sierra's Herald interview tore up the group one quote at a time. This time around, the paper is breaking the news that Miss (or should we say Mrs.?) Adriana has been technically married for five years. Joanna, her private jet and her brand new Jaguar from Romain loved every minute of that story. Adriana, on the other hand, did not.

What she told us, and the Bravo watching world, is essentially this: they signed some papers, called off the wedding, and don't consider themselves technically married. Hey, we get it. It's Miami after all! We know plenty of "married" people. We just met a hair dresser/Zumba instructor with perfect bone structure who just walked down the aisle to a nice girl. Their marriage will be one that lasts forever! (Forever meaning three years, tops.)

If we had to pick our season standout thus far, we are going Team Lea Black. Well, not Lea, exactly -- but everyone who works for her. Have you seen anyone with fewer cares in the world than her housekeeper Freda? What about those fabulous interior designers explained so nicely that Lea is a full-fledged hoarder? Roy Black, get ready: We are moving in.

While we spent most of the evening catching up on all the ladies' lives, it came time for Lisa to play mender of fences. The last time all the gals came to her home and martinis were involved, fists were thrown. Sadly, that didn't go down. Even sadder, we got the news that Mama Elsa is sick, and then Adriana and Joanna seem to make up. No lingerie-clad fist fights? Eh, maybe next time. If the preview for season three stays true, it seems the Lea and Adriana will be doing plenty of fighting to keep us entertained.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.